Category Archives: Moms to be

You’re already the perfect mother for your child…… even when you make mistakes!

**** Letter I wrote to myself before giving birth to my little angel –  I know many mothers feel guilt and worry about always doing the right thing for their children. I hope this helps you as much as it helps me.

Dear little worried self,

I want to start this letter by saying I love you. I know that motherhood is a new identity for you. I know that the fear of the unknown takes over your heart at times and the fear of not being good enough for your daughter washes over you.

You grieve at times even though you think you should be happy to welcome your little one. You beat yourself for grieving and you doubt whether or not you’re going to be everything you want to be for the child. You ask yourself: “Why am I grieving when I’m supposed to be happy? Why am I sad when I’m supposed to be excited to have my little baby in my arms?”

It’s normal to grieve and be sad.

She has been part of you for 9 months and now it’s time to let go and let her be her own self! Letting go of control is hard….you’ll go through this with her many times in your lifetime and that’s okay – it’s beautiful as it is showing you a different and new kind of freedom: The freedom of letting yourself be and letting others be who they want to be.

You compare yourself to other mothers at times. You think they’re living in a state of bliss and unconditional love all the time….you worry that they may know what is good for your little angel more than you do. You worry that maybe your child deserves better than what she’s getting.

This is insanity!

You think that in order for you to be a good mother, then you must sacrifice yourself and your needs for your child all the time. This is a typical victim mentality – where people think that love can be shown through sacrifice when it is only conditional love that is shown in this manner.

Let me whisper in our ear that unconditional love requires nothing from no one and when you begin to feel that you’re sacrificing yourself – then know that you’re playing a victim and you’re automatically putting conditions on her and causing suffering for yourself.

How could this not be self-sacrifice? Because  you want is to see her happy and when you make her happy – you are happy as well. At the end of the day, giving her happiness is helping you experience happiness – that’s the ultimate act of love you can give yourself.

I know this is not easy but here I am asking you:

What is your definition of being a “good” mother? Can you find a step by step instructions on how to be “a good mother” anywhere in the world?

  • It is not realistic for you to put your child before you all the time and not feel resentful.
  • It is illogical to tell yourself that you must be always be on top of things and know everything for your child’s sake …because the truth is that you won’t ……even when you’re 80 years…you’ll always have things to learn and you’ll never know everything…you’ll know what you need to know at this moment.
  • It is very mean to force yourself to be what society expects of you ……this is called: Bullying! Why do you want to be disconnected from yourself (or FAKE) in order to fit it? Seriously, when was society ever pleased with something? You’re not a typical person and you’ll never fall into the norm of society. Do what is good for you, do what makes you happy …being happy will lighten up your child’s world.
  • Yes you will lose some of your freedom but this will not be the case all the time. But hold on….What is freedom to you anyways? There’s always a solution for every problem. Remember, people love to help – ask for it!
  • It breaks my heart to see how much pressure you put on yourself for trying being perfect. People will criticize you – so be it. People will judge your motherhood – so be it. People will give you advice (sometimes a nasty one) – so be it. But why put pressure on yourself to be perfect when you know that:
    • Your child chose YOU as her mother and not someone else, so you’re already perfect in her eyes.
    • All your child needs is love and love comes from a place of peace and not from a place of: I SHOULD BE THIS OR BE THAT OR ELSE…….LOVE DOES NOT COME FROM DOUBTING YOURSELF……Love comes from a place of harmony and not from a place of: IF I SACRIFICE MYSELF THEN MY DAUGHTER WILL KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE HER. This is emotional abuse and manipulation because you’ll be acting like a victim in front of your child when you’re actually making all the decisions. Acting like a victim puts a heavy responsibility on her to make you happy and the only thing that’s going to come out of this is “guilt and pain” for her. Is this what you want?
    • Your child is not perfect, she’s going to screw up and make mistakes just like you…..then sweetheart, why do you want to act perfect when this is only teaching your child a lie at a very young age? Don’t you know that this is also putting pressure on her for being perfect? Is it fair to do so? Is this love? Is this the kind of love you want to teach your child?

So today, I tell you and I ask of you: 

let yourself be you…..let yourself screw up and make mistakes. Let yourself be full of joy and full of anger. Let yourself be happy and be sad. Let yourself cry and laugh. Let yourself breathe and have fun. Let yourself ask for help and let yourself take a break……

ABADON PERFECTION…IT’S PAINFUL! IT’S UNPRODUCTIVE! IT’S INSANITY!

Stop focusing on what you’re doing wrong – and focus on what you’re doing right!

Remember: your child chose you and you have chosen her as well. The love that is between both of you will never fade away – even though at times it may be challenging but that is okay because at some point or another you’ll remember that you chose one another.

Someone gave you this beautiful advice once: You’re going to be your little child’s God for few years.

She’s going to look up to you, to learn from you, to desire to be with you and be you. She’s going to look for your protection, for safety, for your affection but she will also watch you so closely and learn from your behavior, words and actions what makes the world a beautiful and a nasty place.

Be what you want her to be!

Watching you being happy will teach her that we’re all worthy of happiness ….Watching you putting pressure on yourself to be perfect will darken up her world…..because your child will be smarter than you emotionally…she will be and she is your teacher already…. and she will pick up on you when you’re being miserable or trying to be someone or something you’re not.

You feel guilty about making a mistake? Then …..apologize to her even when she’s a little baby …you’ll be teaching her honesty and intimacy instead of hierarchy and how much it’s important to be at peace with oneself instead of being right.

IT’S OKAY TO SCREW UP……Your mistake is exactly the kind of teaching your child needs so that she can fulfill her mission here in the world. That is perfection in itself.

It is not realistic to be mad at yourself for being angry around her – she gets angry too and all negative emotions are needed to signal help and change. She’s learning that from you right now….she’s learning coping mechanism from you as she watches you go through all the emotions.

So, sweetheart…give yourself a break. Stop trying to be perfect because you’re not. Deal with it! Accept the truth and reject the lie you’ve been telling yourself.

Give yourself permission to feel whatever you need to feel ….welcome your feelings instead of rejecting them!

So….If you feel like you want to run away sometimes…..good! It’s a sign that you need a break!

You feel disconnected from your baby….GOOD! it’s a sign you that you need to connect with yourself!

Guilt may show up….good! It’s a sign that you’re being too harsh and a bully towards yourself! It’s time to apologize, forgive and move on!

BUT…how do you know that your child doesn’t feel like she wants to run away from you? How do you know that you don’t annoy her by being around her all the time…especially if you’re tired and miserable? Stop making it all about you!

WANTING TO BE A PERFECT MOTHER – IS SELFISH!  STOP PUTTING PRESSURE ON HER – STOP MAKING EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU!

WANTING YOUR CHILD TO FEEL A CERTAIN WAY – IS SELFISH!  SHE CAN FEEL HOWEVER SHE WANTS TO FEEL – STOP MAKING EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU!

WANTING TO BE ALWAYS THERE FOR YOUR BABY EVEN WHEN YOU’RE MISERABLE – IS SELFISH! YOUR MISERY MAKES HER FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HER EXISTENCE – STOP MAKING EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU!

WANTING TO SACRIFICE YOURSELF FOR YOUR BABY IS SELFISH! STOP PLAYING A VICTIM – STOP MANIPULATING HER TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HER NEEDS – STOP MAKING EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU!

WANTING HER TO BE AND BEHAVE IN A CERTAIN WAY – IS SELFISH! PUTTING PRESSURE ON HER WILL ONLY MAKE HER DISCONNECT FROM ALL THE POSSIBILITIES SHE COULD HAVE AND THE KIND OF PERSON SHE DESIRES TO BE – STOP MAKING EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU!

You may say, how am I making everything about me when all I’m trying to do is be there for my child? I’ll be brutally honest with you again and I’m going to ask you:

what kind of teacher are you being around your child when you’re miserable, unhappy, playing like a victim and acting a fantasy game of perfection?

What kind of teacher are you being for your child when you want to fit in the social norm for being a perfect mother when perfection is a lie?

What kind of teacher are you being for your child when you’re forcing yourself to be something you’re not just to please her and please others?

What kind of teacher are you being for your child when you’re constantly sacrificing yourself in the name of love when only conditional and manipulate love requires sacrifice?

So sweet mama, I’m here once again to remind you:

  • It’s okay to make mistakes – your mistakes will be exactly what your child needs to grow into the person she needs to be
  • Decide what kind of example you want to be for your child
  • Ask for help – that doesn’t make you less of a mother but more of a realistic and unconditionally loving mother
  • BE ….FREE! You miss your freedom, you miss doing your own thing? Then do it! Your child will be much happier when she feels how happy and excited you are to be around her.
  • Stop trying to know it all – because you won’t! Deal with it! Learn to be humble!
  • Stop trying to be perfect – because you’re not! Accept it, see the gift in it, love yourself for it! Your child is learning from you and is this the kind of pressure you want to put on her? Is this what you want to teach her? Be perfect even if you’re lying to yourself or else you’re not worthy of love? Again, learn to be humble!
  • Stop sacrificing – stop acting like a victim. This is emotional abuse! Do you think your child will be happy when you’re miserable?
  • Give yourself space! Go have fun! Learn something new! Start a new career not because this is what a modern woman does but because you want to assist in creating goodness in the world! Because it makes you happy!
  • F U C K society! Many mothers are SO miserable and unbearable to be around because they want others to see them as “GOOD SACRIFICING MOTHERS”! SOCIETY is built on illusion and competition……..on demands that only make people feel worse about themselves…..When you feel hurt when people judge you…or when mothers compete who is a better mother ….then thank them for they are showing you how much you’ve been disconnected from yourself and it’s time to come back home to WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY….it’s time to come back home to your truth and that also means – PICK the kind of people you want to be around!
  • When you see posts on social media that judge mothers or tell you how to be a good mother – simply say: I LOVE AND ACCEPT BEING ME. I’M ALREADY A PERFECT MOTHER TO MY CHILD.
  • Remember – you can never please anyone! People’s judgments are their own shadows and fears – it has nothing to do with you!
  • Thank yourself for being you! I thank you for being you! I love you for it!
  • Ask yourself: what does God (Pure Intelligence) want from me? How am I assisting in creating a more peaceful relationship with my daughter and with the world?

Your daughter already loves you. You are already everything she needs in this world. You have already been chosen by her. You already have a special bond with her. If your daughter grows to be angry with you then this is exactly what she needs so that she would learn more about herself and learn forgiveness and compassion.

She is her own person, remember that! So, please sweetheart be compassionate with yourself when you make mistakes – because you know that she will too – that’s part of life and this is the best gift you could ever give your daughter: Compassion, imperfection and self-acceptance.

Fear, comparing yourself to others, judging others and even letting other people’s judgments get to you, putting pressure on yourself and forcing yourself to be perfect will only bring pain to your relationship with yourself and with your little angel!

Let unconditional love and compassion lead the way – that’s the opposite of almost everything you learned from society!

You’ll always be loved by me! You’ll always be loved by God! You’re exactly what you need to be. Thank you for being you! I love you!

Love,

Your honest self!

10 ideas that will help you stay emotionally sane

****This article is written for everyone but I’m dedicating it to pregnant women since I’m one of them now.

I found out 5 months ago that I was pregnant with my first child. This miraculous moment brought so much tears of joy and tears of anxiety as well. I have never been a parent before. In fact, I was barely emotionally close to kids. Sure, I spent few hours here and there with my nephews and nieces but I wasn’t really taking much responsibility for anything at all.

Physical sickness comes with the territory of pregnancy for so many women, at least it was for me. In addition to having morning sickness 10 times a day and other physical illnesses, my pregnancy has a been an emotional rollercoaster that I have been embracing with all my heart. Many of us, don’t realize the grief process that we go through at this time.

We blame it on hormones.

However, while they do actually play a role in activating more of this grief or anxiety or any other emotion you experience, they are only digging up what was already in there and this needs to be looked at now rather than later especially if you want to avoid postpartum depression.

So, today I want to share with you few things that I personally do to embrace my journey, hoping that this will inspire you to create your own list and of course you can use mine as well.

 

1- Let yourself grief: As I mentioned earlier, sadness and sometimes depression come with the pregnancy game. Yes it is the hormones but it is also your consciousness telling you that it’s time to let go of your attachment to your old self (little self – mainly inner child) and embrace the new self that you can choose to create however you want. Letting go of your old identity is very painful especially if you haven’t done any or as much inner work before. You may find yourself attaching more to your mother or to things that you could relate to when you were a child or single. That’s completely normal and it’s part of the process of maturing.

What to do about this? Instead of rejecting and questioning your sadness, let it be. In other words, let yourself grief for hours, days or whatever it takes for you to feel more connected to that part of you that needs to be seen. Sometimes, I go to my bedroom and cry and write for hours. Rejecting your little self will only make your days harder and anger will build up in your body which will lead to more sickness. Talk to that self that is sad – get to know her and see what she really needs…then give it to her.

2- Express yourself: One thing I love to do when I feel down is to use writing as a medium to release my feelings. Sometimes I write for 5 minutes and other times for an hour. This helps keep my energy flowing instead of keeping everything stuck in my head. The consequence of keeping negative thoughts lead us to reacting to our thoughts and the ripple effect of this destroys our relationships with self and others. You really don’t want more drama right in your life and trust me…you can be as bitchy and angry as you want in your journal with no judgment whatsoever.

What to do about this? I have created many journals – one for sadness, one for self-inquiry, one for my conversations with God and so on. The reason why I do this is because I like to separate my negative emotions and thoughts from the ones that help me find peace. If you’re afraid of writing down your negative thoughts fearing that someone may read them, then you can easily burn everything you write every single time.

 

3- Get creative: That’s another outlet for self expression. I have been doing abstract charcoal drawings with eyes closed while playing meditative music. I don’t spend a lot of time on the drawing and it doesn’t matter how it looks – what I really care about is expressing what’s inside me and this always gets me curious because I have no idea what the result of my drawing is going to be like and it also brings me joy.

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What to do about this? First, please don’t use the excuse of not having enough time to get creative. You can even get creative while you’re on the toilet seat if you really want. Excuses are just excuses and it’s so much easier to take responsibility for your feelings then blaming them on what’s around you or on who’s around you. Talk to your husband, ask for more free time even if it was for 30 minutes a day. When we express why things are so important to us, then our partners will almost always understand and trust me,….they’ll be happy to have their own time as well. If you have no idea how to get creative then grab this book: The artist way.

 

4- Get your music going: I play Ambient music sometimes for 6 hours a day or more sometimes. It is often in the background of whatever I’m doing. Whether I’m helping a client, cooking, playing with my dogs, drawing, sleeping or having a candle night dinner at home with my hubby (we do this often and it’s highly recommended – no need for fancy dinner at home…let this be part of your get together time and it does magic). There’s something about music that relaxes the body and opens the mind. Besides, it is also very beneficial for your baby.

What to do about this? If you don’t have the right music that soothes you, then download pandora on your phone or on your desktop. You can also use Youtube or my friend Jon who is a sound healer, has created wonderful music for healing and relaxation and they’re free on his website: http://sonicyogi.blogspot.com/2013/07/sound-downloads.html

5- Be in the water: Water relaxes your body and mind and I personally connect so much more with water than with mountains. Since I live far from the ocean, I bring the ocean to my house by making epsom salt bath with aromatherapy on almost daily basis. Sometimes I add flowers and cinnamon spice to help myself connect more to the earth. I call this my Goddess time. I usually lit up candles and again play music in the background. (Please read guidelines about using aromatherapy and making a bath if you’re pregnant). I also have my go to place in nature which is Roswell Mill. It has a beautiful waterfall that calms me immediately by watching it and listening to the sound of water splashing left and right.

What to do about this? Get creative with water. Play with water, jump in a pool or a lake, river or make your own epsom salt bath with candles, flowers or whatever makes you feel more connected with yourself. Find your go to place in nature that has water as well. Don’t use the lack of time as an excuse – everything in your life comes from a decision and that can be changed by making a new decision. The more you’re relaxed, the happier your baby will be as well.

6- Meditate: I can’t stress this enough and I have to admit, I broke my meditation routine when I got pregnant but now I’m back to it. Even if you have to meditate for 5 minutes – that’s all it takes to help you connect with yourself more and ease your mind.

What to do about this? If you don’t know how to meditate, Drepung loseling have a free livestream channel. You can also follow people on youtube and also I have few meditations on my website as well. You can also do this simple meditation: sit quietly on a chair or in your meditation room and breathe in as you’re counting for 6 and breathe out as you’re counting for 8 or 10. The longer you exhale the more you’re relaxed.

7- Create your morning ritual: I have had my morning ritual for years now. It’s very important to me personally to have this because it helps me connect with myself before I start my day. If you google morning rituals, you’ll see that every highly successful person has their own morning rituals as well. However, for me success has nothing to do with my morning ritual, I do it because it brings connection to me and to God. I change it every now and then but it mainly consists of naming things I’m grateful for in the morning along with some prayers that I got from different sources such as:

Today, I’ll step back and let God lead the way.

Dear God, Thank you for all that I am and all that I have. Show me the way to console those who need to be consoled. Show me what I need to say, who I need to be and what I need to do to express you.

Dear God, where would you have me go, what would you have me do, what would you have me say and to whom. What would you have me feel and what would you have me think. (Part of this comes from ACIM)

I also add meditation, 2 minutes of writing turn around questions, music and reading a spiritual book.

What to do about this? If you don’t know what you want your morning to look like then ask yourself: what would help me feel more connected with myself in the morning? What would bring me more joy and love? For me it is spirituality – for you it could be something else.

8- Ask for help: There is no shame in asking for help. In fact, people love to feel needed and we all need to do acts of kindness towards one another ..otherwise, we would go insane and disappear as a species since we’ll end up killing one another. You deserve to be happy. In fact, your true nature is happy and the proof of it is that it is only when you’re relaxed, that everything falls into the right place, you have clarity and contentment and therefore you make the right decisions. If you believe that you don’t deserve to be happy, then you’re creating a ripple effect of destruction and negativity that will affect people around you and by affecting them you’re also affecting those around them and the ripple effect continues. What would this lead to? Killing one another? Hating one another? War with one another? Then death of our species. Take a look at the world right now and what do you think causes wars, murders and so on? They all emerge from unhappiness and pain.

What to do about this? I ask for help in different ways from my husband, mother, dad, family, sometimes friends and I even have my go to mentors and coaches that always help me remember what kind of person I want to be and help me heal what needs to be healed. Identify what you need help with whether it was emotional or physical, then ask for it gently. The right people will show up for you but this can’t be done when we complain about what we need yet we don’t do anything about it. Seek support groups as well or go to prenatal yoga classes.

9- Question your thoughts: especially those that bring you misery, sadness and depression. I usually use “The Work” by Byron Katie. She has free resources on her website: thework.com. I highly respect this woman and she’s probably the one I look up to. I can’t recommend her books or her work enough.

What to do about this? Get Byron Katie’s book: loving what is and download her free resources. Also, seek help such as therapy, coach or mentors. These individuals exist for a reason and that’s to help us when we’re ready to grow or if we’re going tough times.

My Tibetan Monk Teacher gave me a great advice : “Just like you decide to quit smoking for your child’s safety, every time you have a negative thought say to yourself: I’m not doing this right now for my own child.”

10. Be very gentle with yourself: There’s nothing to fix about you – there are only wounds to embrace and love. It’s normal to feel doubt, fear, anxiety about your pregnancy and becoming a new mother. Watch what you say and how you talk about yourself. Being judgmental is not going to help you bring peace. Always ask the question: Is this thought giving me peace or stress? Is what I’m believing 1000% true. Everything is a process and everything you’re going through in your pregnancy and in your life needs to happen otherwise it wouldn’t be happening. So, I highly encourage you to embrace what is and be objective about what’s happening instead of dramatic and judgmental. This is so much easier said then done but it’s doable and it’s only a practice.

One thing I want to invite you to remember is that your child is going to be very thankful for all the inner work that you’re choosing to do right now because it will be reflected in your relationship with them.

I love you! I hope this helps you! <3

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