**** Letter I wrote to myself before giving birth to my little angel – I know many mothers feel guilt and worry about always doing the right thing for their children. I hope this helps you as much as it helps me.
Dear little worried self,
I want to start this letter by saying I love you. I know that motherhood is a new identity for you. I know that the fear of the unknown takes over your heart at times and the fear of not being good enough for your daughter washes over you.
You grieve at times even though you think you should be happy to welcome your little one. You beat yourself for grieving and you doubt whether or not you’re going to be everything you want to be for the child. You ask yourself: “Why am I grieving when I’m supposed to be happy? Why am I sad when I’m supposed to be excited to have my little baby in my arms?”
It’s normal to grieve and be sad.
She has been part of you for 9 months and now it’s time to let go and let her be her own self! Letting go of control is hard….you’ll go through this with her many times in your lifetime and that’s okay – it’s beautiful as it is showing you a different and new kind of freedom: The freedom of letting yourself be and letting others be who they want to be.
You compare yourself to other mothers at times. You think they’re living in a state of bliss and unconditional love all the time….you worry that they may know what is good for your little angel more than you do. You worry that maybe your child deserves better than what she’s getting.
This is insanity!
You think that in order for you to be a good mother, then you must sacrifice yourself and your needs for your child all the time. This is a typical victim mentality – where people think that love can be shown through sacrifice when it is only conditional love that is shown in this manner.
Let me whisper in our ear that unconditional love requires nothing from no one and when you begin to feel that you’re sacrificing yourself – then know that you’re playing a victim and you’re automatically putting conditions on her and causing suffering for yourself.
How could this not be self-sacrifice? Because you want is to see her happy and when you make her happy – you are happy as well. At the end of the day, giving her happiness is helping you experience happiness – that’s the ultimate act of love you can give yourself.
I know this is not easy but here I am asking you:
What is your definition of being a “good” mother? Can you find a step by step instructions on how to be “a good mother” anywhere in the world?
- It is not realistic for you to put your child before you all the time and not feel resentful.
- It is illogical to tell yourself that you must be always be on top of things and know everything for your child’s sake …because the truth is that you won’t ……even when you’re 80 years…you’ll always have things to learn and you’ll never know everything…you’ll know what you need to know at this moment.
- It is very mean to force yourself to be what society expects of you ……this is called: Bullying! Why do you want to be disconnected from yourself (or FAKE) in order to fit it? Seriously, when was society ever pleased with something? You’re not a typical person and you’ll never fall into the norm of society. Do what is good for you, do what makes you happy …being happy will lighten up your child’s world.
- Yes you will lose some of your freedom but this will not be the case all the time. But hold on….What is freedom to you anyways? There’s always a solution for every problem. Remember, people love to help – ask for it!
- It breaks my heart to see how much pressure you put on yourself for trying being perfect. People will criticize you – so be it. People will judge your motherhood – so be it. People will give you advice (sometimes a nasty one) – so be it. But why put pressure on yourself to be perfect when you know that:
- Your child chose YOU as her mother and not someone else, so you’re already perfect in her eyes.
- All your child needs is love and love comes from a place of peace and not from a place of: I SHOULD BE THIS OR BE THAT OR ELSE…….LOVE DOES NOT COME FROM DOUBTING YOURSELF……Love comes from a place of harmony and not from a place of: IF I SACRIFICE MYSELF THEN MY DAUGHTER WILL KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE HER. This is emotional abuse and manipulation because you’ll be acting like a victim in front of your child when you’re actually making all the decisions. Acting like a victim puts a heavy responsibility on her to make you happy and the only thing that’s going to come out of this is “guilt and pain” for her. Is this what you want?
- Your child is not perfect, she’s going to screw up and make mistakes just like you…..then sweetheart, why do you want to act perfect when this is only teaching your child a lie at a very young age? Don’t you know that this is also putting pressure on her for being perfect? Is it fair to do so? Is this love? Is this the kind of love you want to teach your child?
So today, I tell you and I ask of you:
let yourself be you…..let yourself screw up and make mistakes. Let yourself be full of joy and full of anger. Let yourself be happy and be sad. Let yourself cry and laugh. Let yourself breathe and have fun. Let yourself ask for help and let yourself take a break……
ABADON PERFECTION…IT’S PAINFUL! IT’S UNPRODUCTIVE! IT’S INSANITY!
Stop focusing on what you’re doing wrong – and focus on what you’re doing right!
Remember: your child chose you and you have chosen her as well. The love that is between both of you will never fade away – even though at times it may be challenging but that is okay because at some point or another you’ll remember that you chose one another.
Someone gave you this beautiful advice once: You’re going to be your little child’s God for few years.
She’s going to look up to you, to learn from you, to desire to be with you and be you. She’s going to look for your protection, for safety, for your affection but she will also watch you so closely and learn from your behavior, words and actions what makes the world a beautiful and a nasty place.
Be what you want her to be!
Watching you being happy will teach her that we’re all worthy of happiness ….Watching you putting pressure on yourself to be perfect will darken up her world…..because your child will be smarter than you emotionally…she will be and she is your teacher already…. and she will pick up on you when you’re being miserable or trying to be someone or something you’re not.
You feel guilty about making a mistake? Then …..apologize to her even when she’s a little baby …you’ll be teaching her honesty and intimacy instead of hierarchy and how much it’s important to be at peace with oneself instead of being right.
IT’S OKAY TO SCREW UP……Your mistake is exactly the kind of teaching your child needs so that she can fulfill her mission here in the world. That is perfection in itself.
It is not realistic to be mad at yourself for being angry around her – she gets angry too and all negative emotions are needed to signal help and change. She’s learning that from you right now….she’s learning coping mechanism from you as she watches you go through all the emotions.
So, sweetheart…give yourself a break. Stop trying to be perfect because you’re not. Deal with it! Accept the truth and reject the lie you’ve been telling yourself.
Give yourself permission to feel whatever you need to feel ….welcome your feelings instead of rejecting them!
So….If you feel like you want to run away sometimes…..good! It’s a sign that you need a break!
You feel disconnected from your baby….GOOD! it’s a sign you that you need to connect with yourself!
Guilt may show up….good! It’s a sign that you’re being too harsh and a bully towards yourself! It’s time to apologize, forgive and move on!
BUT…how do you know that your child doesn’t feel like she wants to run away from you? How do you know that you don’t annoy her by being around her all the time…especially if you’re tired and miserable? Stop making it all about you!
WANTING TO BE A PERFECT MOTHER – IS SELFISH! STOP PUTTING PRESSURE ON HER – STOP MAKING EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU!
WANTING YOUR CHILD TO FEEL A CERTAIN WAY – IS SELFISH! SHE CAN FEEL HOWEVER SHE WANTS TO FEEL – STOP MAKING EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU!
WANTING TO BE ALWAYS THERE FOR YOUR BABY EVEN WHEN YOU’RE MISERABLE – IS SELFISH! YOUR MISERY MAKES HER FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HER EXISTENCE – STOP MAKING EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU!
WANTING TO SACRIFICE YOURSELF FOR YOUR BABY IS SELFISH! STOP PLAYING A VICTIM – STOP MANIPULATING HER TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HER NEEDS – STOP MAKING EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU!
WANTING HER TO BE AND BEHAVE IN A CERTAIN WAY – IS SELFISH! PUTTING PRESSURE ON HER WILL ONLY MAKE HER DISCONNECT FROM ALL THE POSSIBILITIES SHE COULD HAVE AND THE KIND OF PERSON SHE DESIRES TO BE – STOP MAKING EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU!
You may say, how am I making everything about me when all I’m trying to do is be there for my child? I’ll be brutally honest with you again and I’m going to ask you:
what kind of teacher are you being around your child when you’re miserable, unhappy, playing like a victim and acting a fantasy game of perfection?
What kind of teacher are you being for your child when you want to fit in the social norm for being a perfect mother when perfection is a lie?
What kind of teacher are you being for your child when you’re forcing yourself to be something you’re not just to please her and please others?
What kind of teacher are you being for your child when you’re constantly sacrificing yourself in the name of love when only conditional and manipulate love requires sacrifice?
So sweet mama, I’m here once again to remind you:
- It’s okay to make mistakes – your mistakes will be exactly what your child needs to grow into the person she needs to be
- Decide what kind of example you want to be for your child
- Ask for help – that doesn’t make you less of a mother but more of a realistic and unconditionally loving mother
- BE ….FREE! You miss your freedom, you miss doing your own thing? Then do it! Your child will be much happier when she feels how happy and excited you are to be around her.
- Stop trying to know it all – because you won’t! Deal with it! Learn to be humble!
- Stop trying to be perfect – because you’re not! Accept it, see the gift in it, love yourself for it! Your child is learning from you and is this the kind of pressure you want to put on her? Is this what you want to teach her? Be perfect even if you’re lying to yourself or else you’re not worthy of love? Again, learn to be humble!
- Stop sacrificing – stop acting like a victim. This is emotional abuse! Do you think your child will be happy when you’re miserable?
- Give yourself space! Go have fun! Learn something new! Start a new career not because this is what a modern woman does but because you want to assist in creating goodness in the world! Because it makes you happy!
- F U C K society! Many mothers are SO miserable and unbearable to be around because they want others to see them as “GOOD SACRIFICING MOTHERS”! SOCIETY is built on illusion and competition……..on demands that only make people feel worse about themselves…..When you feel hurt when people judge you…or when mothers compete who is a better mother ….then thank them for they are showing you how much you’ve been disconnected from yourself and it’s time to come back home to WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY….it’s time to come back home to your truth and that also means – PICK the kind of people you want to be around!
- When you see posts on social media that judge mothers or tell you how to be a good mother – simply say: I LOVE AND ACCEPT BEING ME. I’M ALREADY A PERFECT MOTHER TO MY CHILD.
- Remember – you can never please anyone! People’s judgments are their own shadows and fears – it has nothing to do with you!
- Thank yourself for being you! I thank you for being you! I love you for it!
- Ask yourself: what does God (Pure Intelligence) want from me? How am I assisting in creating a more peaceful relationship with my daughter and with the world?
Your daughter already loves you. You are already everything she needs in this world. You have already been chosen by her. You already have a special bond with her. If your daughter grows to be angry with you then this is exactly what she needs so that she would learn more about herself and learn forgiveness and compassion.
She is her own person, remember that! So, please sweetheart be compassionate with yourself when you make mistakes – because you know that she will too – that’s part of life and this is the best gift you could ever give your daughter: Compassion, imperfection and self-acceptance.
Fear, comparing yourself to others, judging others and even letting other people’s judgments get to you, putting pressure on yourself and forcing yourself to be perfect will only bring pain to your relationship with yourself and with your little angel!
Let unconditional love and compassion lead the way – that’s the opposite of almost everything you learned from society!
You’ll always be loved by me! You’ll always be loved by God! You’re exactly what you need to be. Thank you for being you! I love you!
Your honest self!