101 Easy Ideas That Will Get You To Be More Loved

Don’t we all want to be more loved? What is life without being loved? It feels meaningless and empty – right?

Many of us think that the only way to feel more loved is through getting it from someone else outside of us. Well, there is a little bit of truth about that except that no one can make us feel what is already not there in the first place.

No one can make you feel loved if you don’t embody love itself and for any of us to feel love – we must give it first.

Love and kindness go hand in hand together. We can’t scream at someone or abuse someone verbally then ask them to give us love.

We can’t complain about how unloving the world is when we are not doing anything to make it a kinder place for everyone to be in (including ourselves).

So, for any of us to experience more love we first must Be love and Be kind and then we can only experience what we are through giving them to someone – in fact to everyone.

There is no excuse for any of us not be kind with one another – yet we often forget to even be kind to ourselves when our focus is so much geared towards the “DOING” instead of “BEING” – SUCH AS BEING KIND, BEING LOVE, BEING SUPPORTIVE, PATIENT ect….

ACIM says: “Giving and receiving are on in truth”.

This is such a beautiful mantra and it is indeed so true. When we give love to someone, we experience ourselves as being loving. When we give our time to someone, we experience ourselves as helpful and generous. So, even though we are doing these acts of kindness towards others, we are also doing them for ourselves since we must be kind in order for us to act with kindness.

Everything emits energy whether it was positive or negative. The energy of the Daila Lama is very different from the energy of a terrorist. Also your energy will attract the same kind of energy (frequency) – therefore when you start your day with negative thoughts, your response to your thoughts will create your emotions and therefore your series of experience and of course influence the experience of others too.

 

I’d like to invite you to first take a much closer look at: what kind of person do you want to be in the world? How would you like to perceive yourself? Then start acting on it.

Since it’s part of our human nature to help one another out or else we will die as species….I’d love to help us all come up with act of kindness ideas where we can all create a very positive RIPPLE effect in our lives and in everyone else’s too.

101 WAYS TO BE KIND TO OTHERS 

  1. Clear up your house from things that you may not need anymore (even better – see if you have doubles of anything) and give them to someone in need
  2. Buy lunch for a homeless person
  3. Sit and chat with a homeless person – ask them how they are, what they need, listen to them and their life story
  4. Call a friend that you haven’t talked to in a very long time
  5. Listen to people around you without talking about yourself or without trying to fix their situation
  6. Write a letter for everyone in your family and tell each person 50 things you love about them
  7. Sponsor a child for 25-30 dollars a month – check out unbound.org
  8. Adopt a pet
  9. Save an insect’s or any animal’s life instead of killing it for no good reason
  10. Don’t cut off people while driving – instead let them pass and pray for them
  11. Pray for someone’s happiness every day and set it as a reminder on your phone too
  12. Surprise a family with clothes and food
  13. Donate your old clothes to a shelter or someone in need
  14. SMILE while walking and talking
  15. Say hello to people you pass (even if they don’t respond)
  16. Pick up trash from the street (And please don’t trash the streets either)
  17. Turn off the lights in your house – use as minimal lights as possible to help save energy (Same for AC, heater and so on)
  18. Reduce your red meat intake – studies show that 1/2lb burger is equivalent to 200 hours of 60w of lightbulb use
  19. Buy a hybrid car
  20. We are all good at something (even if it was washing the dishes) – give your talent for free to someone who needs it
  21. Offer to help
  22. Say thank you to your partner and kids very often
  23. Tell your partner what you love about them – compliment them every day (Same for your kids)
  24. Listen to your partner when he/she is talking about a problem – simply say the magical words: I’m sorry you’re going through this (instead of trying to fix the problem)
  25. Adopt a pet (or pets)
  26. Help a lost dog find home
  27. Foster a child
  28. Join a non profit organization or volunteer with them for free (most rewarding experience for me personally)
  29. Chat with a cashier – ask them about their day (Same for anyone who is serving you)
  30. Give a big tip
  31. Buy motivational books and pass them on to strangers
  32. Give flowers to people on the street
  33. Forgive someone from your past (even better – forgive everyone)
  34. Make amends for your mistakes
  35. Pay for someone’s gas at a gas station
  36. Write a motivational letter and post it in a public bathroom
  37. Tell your mother and father how much you love them
  38. Bring food to work
  39. Cook a nice meal and surprise your neighbor with it
  40. Give your neighbor a nice loving card along with a nice bouquet of flowers
  41. Put a quarter in an expired meter
  42. Buy food or coffee for people behind you If you’re doing a drive through
  43. Email or write an old teacher a nice thank you note
  44. Talk to someone who is an introvert or shy
  45. Buy your friend lunch or dinner
  46. Let the person behind you at the supermarket pass before you
  47. Help an old person finish their task
  48. Take an elderly out for dinner, walk or whatever they desire
  49. Hug more often
  50. Stop judging other religions and turn your focus inward
  51. Meditate – you’ll do yourself and everyone a favor 🙂
  52. Put positive sticky notes in random places
  53. Let other people have your parking space
  54. Give a compliment to a stranger
  55. Help new parents or single parents
  56. Tutor poor kids for free
  57. Stop blaming others for your experience – take responsibility instead
  58. Donate dog or cat food to a shelter
  59. Carpool as much as possible
  60. Buy christmas gifts for a poor family
  61. Donate to save the lives of pregnant dogs
  62. Help someone carry their grocery bags
  63. Hold the door for someone
  64. Hold your anger back instead of reacting to it
  65. Work and take responsibility of your own issues (no one needs to deal with them)
  66. Sponsor a monk (dreprung.com)
  67. Send holiday cards to your loved ones
  68. Put your phone away and BE present with your loved one
  69. Be honest with others (and yourself)
  70. Be yourself completely without pretense
  71. Stop complaining
  72. Say YES to people who ask for help
  73. Give your partner a nice massage
  74. Listen to your kids as if they’re your teachers
  75. Give up being right – choose kindness/peace instead
  76. Be kind to your body – feed yourself healthy food
  77. Give your soul food for thoughts every day
  78. Allow others to be vulnerable around you (give yourself that permission too)
  79. Don’t interrupt when someone is speaking
  80. Allow your kids to be who they want to be without fixing them
  81. Be picky with the words you use (better to stay silent at times)
  82. Say sorry if you hurt someone
  83. Pay for someone’s groceries
  84. Tell your boss what you appreciate about them genuinely
  85. Learn more about the climate change and become an activist for it
  86. Help a pregnant woman with her groceries
  87. Avoid gossip of any kind
  88. Give someone a second chance
  89. Give someone a 10 dollar bill and ask them to invest it
  90. Create meaningful traditions for the holidays that will make people happier (one thing we’re doing this year is asking people to say 3 things they love about each person who is present in the room)
  91. Say I love you silently to strangers
  92. Remind yourself that we all desire to be happy (even if other people’s actions don’t make sense to you)
  93. Help an addict
  94. Be a big brother or sister to someone
  95. Mentor someone for free
  96. Write your partner a love letter and leave it on the bed (perfect if you’re traveling)
  97. Leave your partner love notes in unexpected places such as lunch bag
  98. Look people in the eyes and smile
  99. Find the goodness/gift in every situation
  100. Donate your old phone or computer
  101. Most importantly – Please help the refugee crisis and more than 50,000 people trapped in Aleppo… Here are few links:1. Support the White Helmets.
    https://herofund.whitehelmets.org/donate/crowdfund/

    2. Support Doctors Without Borders.
    http://www.doctorswithoutborders.org/

    3. Support the Syrian American Medical Society.
    http://foundation.sams-usa.net/?home=true

    4. Support the International Rescue Committee.
    https://www.rescue.org/who-we-are

    5. Support Save the Children.
    http://www.savethechildren.org/…/c.8rKLIXMGIpI4E/b.7998857/…

    6. Support refugees.
    http://www.unhcr.org/en-us

Now it’s your turn, what are some of the acts of kindness that you’ve done or plan to do? Please share with us and help spread the word.

You’re already the perfect mother for your child…… even when you make mistakes!

**** Letter I wrote to myself before giving birth to my little angel –  I know many mothers feel guilt and worry about always doing the right thing for their children. I hope this helps you as much as it helps me.

Dear little worried self,

I want to start this letter by saying I love you. I know that motherhood is a new identity for you. I know that the fear of the unknown takes over your heart at times and the fear of not being good enough for your daughter washes over you.

You grieve at times even though you think you should be happy to welcome your little one. You beat yourself for grieving and you doubt whether or not you’re going to be everything you want to be for the child. You ask yourself: “Why am I grieving when I’m supposed to be happy? Why am I sad when I’m supposed to be excited to have my little baby in my arms?”

It’s normal to grieve and be sad.

She has been part of you for 9 months and now it’s time to let go and let her be her own self! Letting go of control is hard….you’ll go through this with her many times in your lifetime and that’s okay – it’s beautiful as it is showing you a different and new kind of freedom: The freedom of letting yourself be and letting others be who they want to be.

You compare yourself to other mothers at times. You think they’re living in a state of bliss and unconditional love all the time….you worry that they may know what is good for your little angel more than you do. You worry that maybe your child deserves better than what she’s getting.

This is insanity!

You think that in order for you to be a good mother, then you must sacrifice yourself and your needs for your child all the time. This is a typical victim mentality – where people think that love can be shown through sacrifice when it is only conditional love that is shown in this manner.

Let me whisper in our ear that unconditional love requires nothing from no one and when you begin to feel that you’re sacrificing yourself – then know that you’re playing a victim and you’re automatically putting conditions on her and causing suffering for yourself.

How could this not be self-sacrifice? Because  you want is to see her happy and when you make her happy – you are happy as well. At the end of the day, giving her happiness is helping you experience happiness – that’s the ultimate act of love you can give yourself.

I know this is not easy but here I am asking you:

What is your definition of being a “good” mother? Can you find a step by step instructions on how to be “a good mother” anywhere in the world?

  • It is not realistic for you to put your child before you all the time and not feel resentful.
  • It is illogical to tell yourself that you must be always be on top of things and know everything for your child’s sake …because the truth is that you won’t ……even when you’re 80 years…you’ll always have things to learn and you’ll never know everything…you’ll know what you need to know at this moment.
  • It is very mean to force yourself to be what society expects of you ……this is called: Bullying! Why do you want to be disconnected from yourself (or FAKE) in order to fit it? Seriously, when was society ever pleased with something? You’re not a typical person and you’ll never fall into the norm of society. Do what is good for you, do what makes you happy …being happy will lighten up your child’s world.
  • Yes you will lose some of your freedom but this will not be the case all the time. But hold on….What is freedom to you anyways? There’s always a solution for every problem. Remember, people love to help – ask for it!
  • It breaks my heart to see how much pressure you put on yourself for trying being perfect. People will criticize you – so be it. People will judge your motherhood – so be it. People will give you advice (sometimes a nasty one) – so be it. But why put pressure on yourself to be perfect when you know that:
    • Your child chose YOU as her mother and not someone else, so you’re already perfect in her eyes.
    • All your child needs is love and love comes from a place of peace and not from a place of: I SHOULD BE THIS OR BE THAT OR ELSE…….LOVE DOES NOT COME FROM DOUBTING YOURSELF……Love comes from a place of harmony and not from a place of: IF I SACRIFICE MYSELF THEN MY DAUGHTER WILL KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE HER. This is emotional abuse and manipulation because you’ll be acting like a victim in front of your child when you’re actually making all the decisions. Acting like a victim puts a heavy responsibility on her to make you happy and the only thing that’s going to come out of this is “guilt and pain” for her. Is this what you want?
    • Your child is not perfect, she’s going to screw up and make mistakes just like you…..then sweetheart, why do you want to act perfect when this is only teaching your child a lie at a very young age? Don’t you know that this is also putting pressure on her for being perfect? Is it fair to do so? Is this love? Is this the kind of love you want to teach your child?

So today, I tell you and I ask of you: 

let yourself be you…..let yourself screw up and make mistakes. Let yourself be full of joy and full of anger. Let yourself be happy and be sad. Let yourself cry and laugh. Let yourself breathe and have fun. Let yourself ask for help and let yourself take a break……

ABADON PERFECTION…IT’S PAINFUL! IT’S UNPRODUCTIVE! IT’S INSANITY!

Stop focusing on what you’re doing wrong – and focus on what you’re doing right!

Remember: your child chose you and you have chosen her as well. The love that is between both of you will never fade away – even though at times it may be challenging but that is okay because at some point or another you’ll remember that you chose one another.

Someone gave you this beautiful advice once: You’re going to be your little child’s God for few years.

She’s going to look up to you, to learn from you, to desire to be with you and be you. She’s going to look for your protection, for safety, for your affection but she will also watch you so closely and learn from your behavior, words and actions what makes the world a beautiful and a nasty place.

Be what you want her to be!

Watching you being happy will teach her that we’re all worthy of happiness ….Watching you putting pressure on yourself to be perfect will darken up her world…..because your child will be smarter than you emotionally…she will be and she is your teacher already…. and she will pick up on you when you’re being miserable or trying to be someone or something you’re not.

You feel guilty about making a mistake? Then …..apologize to her even when she’s a little baby …you’ll be teaching her honesty and intimacy instead of hierarchy and how much it’s important to be at peace with oneself instead of being right.

IT’S OKAY TO SCREW UP……Your mistake is exactly the kind of teaching your child needs so that she can fulfill her mission here in the world. That is perfection in itself.

It is not realistic to be mad at yourself for being angry around her – she gets angry too and all negative emotions are needed to signal help and change. She’s learning that from you right now….she’s learning coping mechanism from you as she watches you go through all the emotions.

So, sweetheart…give yourself a break. Stop trying to be perfect because you’re not. Deal with it! Accept the truth and reject the lie you’ve been telling yourself.

Give yourself permission to feel whatever you need to feel ….welcome your feelings instead of rejecting them!

So….If you feel like you want to run away sometimes…..good! It’s a sign that you need a break!

You feel disconnected from your baby….GOOD! it’s a sign you that you need to connect with yourself!

Guilt may show up….good! It’s a sign that you’re being too harsh and a bully towards yourself! It’s time to apologize, forgive and move on!

BUT…how do you know that your child doesn’t feel like she wants to run away from you? How do you know that you don’t annoy her by being around her all the time…especially if you’re tired and miserable? Stop making it all about you!

WANTING TO BE A PERFECT MOTHER – IS SELFISH!  STOP PUTTING PRESSURE ON HER – STOP MAKING EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU!

WANTING YOUR CHILD TO FEEL A CERTAIN WAY – IS SELFISH!  SHE CAN FEEL HOWEVER SHE WANTS TO FEEL – STOP MAKING EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU!

WANTING TO BE ALWAYS THERE FOR YOUR BABY EVEN WHEN YOU’RE MISERABLE – IS SELFISH! YOUR MISERY MAKES HER FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HER EXISTENCE – STOP MAKING EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU!

WANTING TO SACRIFICE YOURSELF FOR YOUR BABY IS SELFISH! STOP PLAYING A VICTIM – STOP MANIPULATING HER TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HER NEEDS – STOP MAKING EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU!

WANTING HER TO BE AND BEHAVE IN A CERTAIN WAY – IS SELFISH! PUTTING PRESSURE ON HER WILL ONLY MAKE HER DISCONNECT FROM ALL THE POSSIBILITIES SHE COULD HAVE AND THE KIND OF PERSON SHE DESIRES TO BE – STOP MAKING EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU!

You may say, how am I making everything about me when all I’m trying to do is be there for my child? I’ll be brutally honest with you again and I’m going to ask you:

what kind of teacher are you being around your child when you’re miserable, unhappy, playing like a victim and acting a fantasy game of perfection?

What kind of teacher are you being for your child when you want to fit in the social norm for being a perfect mother when perfection is a lie?

What kind of teacher are you being for your child when you’re forcing yourself to be something you’re not just to please her and please others?

What kind of teacher are you being for your child when you’re constantly sacrificing yourself in the name of love when only conditional and manipulate love requires sacrifice?

So sweet mama, I’m here once again to remind you:

  • It’s okay to make mistakes – your mistakes will be exactly what your child needs to grow into the person she needs to be
  • Decide what kind of example you want to be for your child
  • Ask for help – that doesn’t make you less of a mother but more of a realistic and unconditionally loving mother
  • BE ….FREE! You miss your freedom, you miss doing your own thing? Then do it! Your child will be much happier when she feels how happy and excited you are to be around her.
  • Stop trying to know it all – because you won’t! Deal with it! Learn to be humble!
  • Stop trying to be perfect – because you’re not! Accept it, see the gift in it, love yourself for it! Your child is learning from you and is this the kind of pressure you want to put on her? Is this what you want to teach her? Be perfect even if you’re lying to yourself or else you’re not worthy of love? Again, learn to be humble!
  • Stop sacrificing – stop acting like a victim. This is emotional abuse! Do you think your child will be happy when you’re miserable?
  • Give yourself space! Go have fun! Learn something new! Start a new career not because this is what a modern woman does but because you want to assist in creating goodness in the world! Because it makes you happy!
  • F U C K society! Many mothers are SO miserable and unbearable to be around because they want others to see them as “GOOD SACRIFICING MOTHERS”! SOCIETY is built on illusion and competition……..on demands that only make people feel worse about themselves…..When you feel hurt when people judge you…or when mothers compete who is a better mother ….then thank them for they are showing you how much you’ve been disconnected from yourself and it’s time to come back home to WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY….it’s time to come back home to your truth and that also means – PICK the kind of people you want to be around!
  • When you see posts on social media that judge mothers or tell you how to be a good mother – simply say: I LOVE AND ACCEPT BEING ME. I’M ALREADY A PERFECT MOTHER TO MY CHILD.
  • Remember – you can never please anyone! People’s judgments are their own shadows and fears – it has nothing to do with you!
  • Thank yourself for being you! I thank you for being you! I love you for it!
  • Ask yourself: what does God (Pure Intelligence) want from me? How am I assisting in creating a more peaceful relationship with my daughter and with the world?

Your daughter already loves you. You are already everything she needs in this world. You have already been chosen by her. You already have a special bond with her. If your daughter grows to be angry with you then this is exactly what she needs so that she would learn more about herself and learn forgiveness and compassion.

She is her own person, remember that! So, please sweetheart be compassionate with yourself when you make mistakes – because you know that she will too – that’s part of life and this is the best gift you could ever give your daughter: Compassion, imperfection and self-acceptance.

Fear, comparing yourself to others, judging others and even letting other people’s judgments get to you, putting pressure on yourself and forcing yourself to be perfect will only bring pain to your relationship with yourself and with your little angel!

Let unconditional love and compassion lead the way – that’s the opposite of almost everything you learned from society!

You’ll always be loved by me! You’ll always be loved by God! You’re exactly what you need to be. Thank you for being you! I love you!

Love,

Your honest self!

15 Mistakes + Lessons From Being Married For 5 years (including a deep realization about being faithful)

October is going to be a very exciting month for us. My husband Charlie and I will be celebrating 5 years of marriage and we will also be welcoming our baby girl to this world, the most wonderful miracle we have created together.

The past 5 years of marriage have been such a blessing and a big eye and heart opening for me. I matured a lot. I changed a lot emotionally. Even though many days or sometimes a month or two would go by where things were rocky. I struggled in my relationship. I had doubts. I had anger. I had sadness and disappointment. Yet, even though I did not know it at the time, every single hardship I went through was a blessing in disguise. It was a necessary step for peeling off the layers that prevented me from building a deeper emotional intimacy with my husband.

pic-6-6

For so many of us, we think that our work as a couple stop when we get married. It is actually the most ridiculous fantasy we have built in our society because quiet frankly our work starts when we get married. That means – at some point in time, the mask we carried during dating will dissolve and our real fears will surface – we have no choice but to work through them if we really want to have a happy and long-lasting relationship. Marriage gets us triggered big time to face our deepest flaws and in return we trigger our partner to experience the same. We are nothing but each other’s mirror and the flaws that we see in our partner are nothing but a projection of the flaws that have been buried within us.

“We carry all the qualities in the world”: That means we carry the ugly, good and beautiful. In other words, every time I pointed the finger at my husband for something I didn’t like, if I were to be pretty honest with myself, I would realize that I have done the same thing with him or with other people. That’s why, marriage is such a holy relationship because this is the place where your wounds will surface. This is the holy place where you can (if you choose to) heal everything that aches from jealousy to anxiety, insecurity, confidence, communication and most of all truly being vulnerable and intimate with yourself first and then your partner.

Today, I’ll share with you few things I learned in the past few years from my mistakes – I hope they would open your heart and mind to start taking actions and really take marriage as something that is HOLY.

1- Never correct your partner in public: I did this so many times without any intention of harm of course. It would come out naturally over something that is silly. Even if your partner is not correct with what they’re saying, just smile and be supportive. This may sound dishonest for so many, but the most important thing for a man is for his opinion to be respected. That’s how their identity is built. Correcting them is very similar to when they criticize our feelings such as: this is not a big deal, why are you getting overly emotional about it? And, we all know – we all hate when this happens because we feel disrespected.

2- It’s better to complain than to criticize: Criticism is poison to any relationship. Who likes to be criticized? It’s unproductive, hurtful and add more unnecessary wounds. There are so many ways to feel heard: We don’t have to hurt other people in order for us to let them know that we’re hurt or sometimes we do that because we don’t know how else to express our wants. Vulnerability is key here and what I mean by that is sit with yourself, learn about how you feel first about the situation, express how you feel to yourself and then know what you want from your man.

For example: Let’s say you’re angry because your man doesn’t pick up after himself. This makes many of us so angry because really at the bottom of it, it’s not about not picking up the clothes, it’s about not being acknowledged/ heard for how we feel about the situation. Criticism/ blame sounds like this: You are so clumsy. I’m so sick of always picking up after you – why do I always have to remind you about this?

Complaint sounds more like this: Sweetheart, I feel hurt today. I know you must have forgotten to pick up after yourself but I’m really very tired and sometimes it’s very overwhelming for me to see everything that I have to do every day. Can we figure out a way to work this thing out where we’re both happy about the situation?

Bottom line: Learn to use open ended questions and discussions instead of being critical and judgmental.

3- It’s okay to argue and fight in a healthy way: Many couples avoid fighting or discussing things that hurt them because they’re afraid of ruining the relationship. The opposite is true actually. When you don’t express how you feel and what hurts you, when you suppress your thoughts and emotions then one day things will blow in your face then it may be too late to fix anything. Therefore, expressing your anger in a constructive way is very important especially if you desire to have intimate relationship with your partner.

4- Let go of being controlling – you can’t have things your way all the time: Many women want their partner to prove their love by saying yes to everything they want. Sometimes, men do what we want to get us off their back especially if we’re critical and pushy about the situation. But is this really the kind of relationship we want? So, it’s very important to listen to what your man wants as well and come up with a compromise and negotiate in your marriage. Marriage is not all about you and your feelings, men have feelings too even though they’re so much more discreet about it then we are. When you allow a safe space for them to open up to you, you’ll be surprised with how much more appreciation and love they would give you.

5- Don’t say yes when you mean no: You’re not only being dishonest and unfair to him at this point but you’re also being dishonest with yourself too. You’re not only creating future conflicts and resentment in the relationship but you’re also creating anger towards yourself and eventually you’ll see yourself as a victim instead of realizing that you’re the one who has created the situation in the first place.

6- Every time you blame, point the finger back at you: Blaming is a sign of immaturity. That doesn’t mean you let the person get away with what they have done or that doesn’t mean suppress your feelings either. But before you point the finger at your partner, check in with yourself HONESTLY and see where have you done or are doing the same thing in your life. Ask yourself: What was my role in this situation? Take responsibility for your feelings. No one can trigger a specific emotion within you unless the wound was already there and that means – it’s yours to work through.

7- Do you feel jealous, insecure or abandoned? Express what you’re feeling: Many of us feel this way in one way or another. Some suppress it, some play games and for some they come up with fights and this is what confuses men because at this point they have no idea what they did wrong. I learned to express my feelings with my husband without blame of course though sometimes I fail but I always go back and apologize because it’s so much more important to me to master my emotions than to let my partner repair the wound.

It’s okay to say: I felt jealous today or I’m not feeling safe right now in the relationship. Of course, state what’s making you insecure and again take responsibility for your feelings. If you want them to do something specific, then also ask for it as long as you’re also doing the same thing in return.

Vulnerability is so essential and powerful in a relationship – it is also part of showing the nurturing side of the feminine energy. There are times when you’re going to be sick, depressed, sad or going through some rough times. It is okay to show that side of you to your husband because as human beings we love to feel needed – it gives us a deeper sense of purpose – that’s also part of showing our true authentic self.

8- Be honest with yourself and with your partner: I’m so blessed with the relationship I have because I’m extremely honest with my husband about everything. Honest and transparent in a kind way of course but in order for me to do this, I learned to be honest and kind with myself first. How else could I be honest with him if I’m not clear about my feelings first?

I learned to question my thoughts and feelings before I judge. I try to do this as much as possible especially when I’m choosing to be a mindful person. I love the following quote by Carl Jung and I hope it inspires you to start thinking and questioning before jumping into conclusions.

“Thinking is difficult, that’s why most people judge”. – Carl Jung

9- Name calling is poison: One of my biggest lessons this year is to know the difference between saying: You’re mean vs you’re being mean. When we directly name call our partner (or anyone else) we’re basically not only criticizing them but we’re also telling them that they are “that thing” we are calling them. When it is often very far from reality. For example: I can be a bitchy person in a specific situation but that doesn’t mean I’m bitchy 100% of the time. This kind of judgment is very harmful, hurtful, disrespectful and simply not true because they’re probably not mean 100% of the time then why turn them into something they’re not?

10- Give compliments, say thank you and say I’m sorry OFTEN: We forget to say thank you and “I appreciate you or appreciate this or that” when we’re in a relationship for a long time. This is just a sign of how we take our blessings for granted and that also includes taking ourselves for granted as well. What would we lose if we say thank you every time our partners did something small including picking up their dish? It just simply shows what kind of person we’re being and that always feels nice.

Many also have hard time saying “I’m sorry” when they do something wrong (including with their kids) because it’s so much more important to be right then to choose kindness and peace – this comes from a place of fear of being weak when the opposite is quiet true. At some point, you must decide what you want in your relationship: What is more important for you? Being in control or being intimate and at peace with your partner?

11- Listen to him without trying to fix his problem and listen more even if it doesn’t interest you: This is a hard one especially when men start discussing things that we don’t understand. For example: my husband talks sometimes about security and techy stuff that I have no idea what they mean. I used to roll my eyes before when he initiated the conversation but then I realized how harmful it was to do this. It didn’t only shut him down around me, but it also made us distant. I learned to be curious about what he’s saying by giving him a safe space to speak. This I continue to learn and will always be work in progress but at least he opens up to me way more than he ever did before and therefore it made us so much closer.

12- Redefine faithfulness: That was a huge one for me this year. It came about when I threw a jealousy tantrum during my pregnancy when my husband was being nice to a cashier attendant. I was feeling so insecure about my body that day and honestly sometimes I would look at a skinny woman and envy her for what she had. It took me a while to embrace my new body and love the way I looked. This affected my relationship with my husband – although I handled the situation quiet maturely by saying to him literarily: I didn’t feel good when you were being extra nice with the cashier. I felt disrespected and hurt. I know you don’t mean to hurt me but I felt hurt.

This situation made me really think hard about how I define the word faithful. When I questioned if my husband was being faithful by flirting or being nice to this woman, my answer was YES. Questioning my thought about this situation led me to the following reminders/discoveries:

1- If he wasn’t faithful, then he would do it behind my back – he was being transparent and being his kind self in front of me. There was nothing to hide and it was beautiful. The insecurity I felt had nothing to do with him but more to do with how much I was rejecting myself at the time (again taking responsibility for your feelings is key to a happy relationship – when we feel rejected and insecure about how we look, that’s because we’re only projecting our own opinion about ourselves on others).

2- He is always always there for me emotionally and when I need him. What else do I want?

3- He is very faithful to his job, boss and his career even when he hated what he did at times. He works with integrity – then how could I doubt someone like him?

4- I’m very outspoken when I find a man attractive, then why shouldn’t he be? I had to decide again what kind of relationship I want.

5- Many women fear their partner cheating on them – however it’s fascinating to me to see how many women actually cheat on their significant others yet they pretend that they did nothing wrong as if they are entitled to hurt others but it’s okay for others to do the same to them. So, If I thought that my husband was unfaithful by being nice to this woman then quiet honestly, I have been unfaithful to him as well because I’m kind to people and to other men as well. I realized that I was unfair and had no logic in my thinking at all and I’m only creating my own hell.

6- I remembered his morals and values and when I did – I also realized that he was never unfaithful to his xgfs before even though some were really not nice to him – that reminded me again what kind of person he is.

7- I know how much he loves me – he shows it to me, says it to me and act on it too (but I forget this sometimes).

Just by questioning my feelings and being honest and redefining being faithful changed my relationship with him tremendously. I know better when a burst of insecurity shows up again. It’s my stuff – it has nothing to do with him.

13- Men have feelings too: Dr Pat allen says: “If you want to have a good relationship – respect your man’s thoughts and cherish your wife’s feelings”. While this is SO SO accurate – men have feelings too. When you create a safe space for them to speak without trying to control them, without trying to change them or fix them then what will unfold will be so sacred and beautiful – it will only bring you so much closer together and most of the time they express their feelings through their thoughts as well so keep your mind, ears and heart open.

14- Invest in your relationship: it simply means do what he loves sometimes and he’ll do what you love at times too and DO what you both love or have in common as well. It doesn’t always have to be the movie that you want or the kind of restaurant that you like. Ask him for what he wants or feels like doing sometimes. For example: watch the show that he loves even though you can’t stand it. The more you invest in him, the more your’ll be committed to the relationship.

15- Finally whatever outcome you’re getting in your relationship is a reflection of your thoughts, your wounds and what kind of person you’re choosing to be: If there’s something you want, ask for it. If there’s something you don’t like then take responsibility for it instead of dumping all your baggage on your partner. Waiting for him to change is a waste of time and unfair as well. Changing your thoughts about the situation, working through your own negative feelings and creating a safe space for both of you to express your thoughts and feelings will give you the peaceful and loving relationship that you want.

It takes so much courage to take responsibility of our own feelings – but I promise you – it’s all a decision. Once you choose peace over war – you’ll know that it’s so much easier to be responsible than to wait for others to change or to give you what you want.

 

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