Author Archives: cynthia

You’re already the perfect mother for your child…… even when you make mistakes!

**** Letter I wrote to myself before giving birth to my little angel –  I know many mothers feel guilt and worry about always doing the right thing for their children. I hope this helps you as much as it helps me.

Dear little worried self,

I want to start this letter by saying I love you. I know that motherhood is a new identity for you. I know that the fear of the unknown takes over your heart at times and the fear of not being good enough for your daughter washes over you.

You grieve at times even though you think you should be happy to welcome your little one. You beat yourself for grieving and you doubt whether or not you’re going to be everything you want to be for the child. You ask yourself: “Why am I grieving when I’m supposed to be happy? Why am I sad when I’m supposed to be excited to have my little baby in my arms?”

It’s normal to grieve and be sad.

She has been part of you for 9 months and now it’s time to let go and let her be her own self! Letting go of control is hard….you’ll go through this with her many times in your lifetime and that’s okay – it’s beautiful as it is showing you a different and new kind of freedom: The freedom of letting yourself be and letting others be who they want to be.

You compare yourself to other mothers at times. You think they’re living in a state of bliss and unconditional love all the time….you worry that they may know what is good for your little angel more than you do. You worry that maybe your child deserves better than what she’s getting.

This is insanity!

You think that in order for you to be a good mother, then you must sacrifice yourself and your needs for your child all the time. This is a typical victim mentality – where people think that love can be shown through sacrifice when it is only conditional love that is shown in this manner.

Let me whisper in our ear that unconditional love requires nothing from no one and when you begin to feel that you’re sacrificing yourself – then know that you’re playing a victim and you’re automatically putting conditions on her and causing suffering for yourself.

How could this not be self-sacrifice? Because  you want is to see her happy and when you make her happy – you are happy as well. At the end of the day, giving her happiness is helping you experience happiness – that’s the ultimate act of love you can give yourself.

I know this is not easy but here I am asking you:

What is your definition of being a “good” mother? Can you find a step by step instructions on how to be “a good mother” anywhere in the world?

  • It is not realistic for you to put your child before you all the time and not feel resentful.
  • It is illogical to tell yourself that you must be always be on top of things and know everything for your child’s sake …because the truth is that you won’t ……even when you’re 80 years…you’ll always have things to learn and you’ll never know everything…you’ll know what you need to know at this moment.
  • It is very mean to force yourself to be what society expects of you ……this is called: Bullying! Why do you want to be disconnected from yourself (or FAKE) in order to fit it? Seriously, when was society ever pleased with something? You’re not a typical person and you’ll never fall into the norm of society. Do what is good for you, do what makes you happy …being happy will lighten up your child’s world.
  • Yes you will lose some of your freedom but this will not be the case all the time. But hold on….What is freedom to you anyways? There’s always a solution for every problem. Remember, people love to help – ask for it!
  • It breaks my heart to see how much pressure you put on yourself for trying being perfect. People will criticize you – so be it. People will judge your motherhood – so be it. People will give you advice (sometimes a nasty one) – so be it. But why put pressure on yourself to be perfect when you know that:
    • Your child chose YOU as her mother and not someone else, so you’re already perfect in her eyes.
    • All your child needs is love and love comes from a place of peace and not from a place of: I SHOULD BE THIS OR BE THAT OR ELSE…….LOVE DOES NOT COME FROM DOUBTING YOURSELF……Love comes from a place of harmony and not from a place of: IF I SACRIFICE MYSELF THEN MY DAUGHTER WILL KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE HER. This is emotional abuse and manipulation because you’ll be acting like a victim in front of your child when you’re actually making all the decisions. Acting like a victim puts a heavy responsibility on her to make you happy and the only thing that’s going to come out of this is “guilt and pain” for her. Is this what you want?
    • Your child is not perfect, she’s going to screw up and make mistakes just like you…..then sweetheart, why do you want to act perfect when this is only teaching your child a lie at a very young age? Don’t you know that this is also putting pressure on her for being perfect? Is it fair to do so? Is this love? Is this the kind of love you want to teach your child?

So today, I tell you and I ask of you: 

let yourself be you…..let yourself screw up and make mistakes. Let yourself be full of joy and full of anger. Let yourself be happy and be sad. Let yourself cry and laugh. Let yourself breathe and have fun. Let yourself ask for help and let yourself take a break……

ABADON PERFECTION…IT’S PAINFUL! IT’S UNPRODUCTIVE! IT’S INSANITY!

Stop focusing on what you’re doing wrong – and focus on what you’re doing right!

Remember: your child chose you and you have chosen her as well. The love that is between both of you will never fade away – even though at times it may be challenging but that is okay because at some point or another you’ll remember that you chose one another.

Someone gave you this beautiful advice once: You’re going to be your little child’s God for few years.

She’s going to look up to you, to learn from you, to desire to be with you and be you. She’s going to look for your protection, for safety, for your affection but she will also watch you so closely and learn from your behavior, words and actions what makes the world a beautiful and a nasty place.

Be what you want her to be!

Watching you being happy will teach her that we’re all worthy of happiness ….Watching you putting pressure on yourself to be perfect will darken up her world…..because your child will be smarter than you emotionally…she will be and she is your teacher already…. and she will pick up on you when you’re being miserable or trying to be someone or something you’re not.

You feel guilty about making a mistake? Then …..apologize to her even when she’s a little baby …you’ll be teaching her honesty and intimacy instead of hierarchy and how much it’s important to be at peace with oneself instead of being right.

IT’S OKAY TO SCREW UP……Your mistake is exactly the kind of teaching your child needs so that she can fulfill her mission here in the world. That is perfection in itself.

It is not realistic to be mad at yourself for being angry around her – she gets angry too and all negative emotions are needed to signal help and change. She’s learning that from you right now….she’s learning coping mechanism from you as she watches you go through all the emotions.

So, sweetheart…give yourself a break. Stop trying to be perfect because you’re not. Deal with it! Accept the truth and reject the lie you’ve been telling yourself.

Give yourself permission to feel whatever you need to feel ….welcome your feelings instead of rejecting them!

So….If you feel like you want to run away sometimes…..good! It’s a sign that you need a break!

You feel disconnected from your baby….GOOD! it’s a sign you that you need to connect with yourself!

Guilt may show up….good! It’s a sign that you’re being too harsh and a bully towards yourself! It’s time to apologize, forgive and move on!

BUT…how do you know that your child doesn’t feel like she wants to run away from you? How do you know that you don’t annoy her by being around her all the time…especially if you’re tired and miserable? Stop making it all about you!

WANTING TO BE A PERFECT MOTHER – IS SELFISH!  STOP PUTTING PRESSURE ON HER – STOP MAKING EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU!

WANTING YOUR CHILD TO FEEL A CERTAIN WAY – IS SELFISH!  SHE CAN FEEL HOWEVER SHE WANTS TO FEEL – STOP MAKING EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU!

WANTING TO BE ALWAYS THERE FOR YOUR BABY EVEN WHEN YOU’RE MISERABLE – IS SELFISH! YOUR MISERY MAKES HER FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HER EXISTENCE – STOP MAKING EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU!

WANTING TO SACRIFICE YOURSELF FOR YOUR BABY IS SELFISH! STOP PLAYING A VICTIM – STOP MANIPULATING HER TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HER NEEDS – STOP MAKING EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU!

WANTING HER TO BE AND BEHAVE IN A CERTAIN WAY – IS SELFISH! PUTTING PRESSURE ON HER WILL ONLY MAKE HER DISCONNECT FROM ALL THE POSSIBILITIES SHE COULD HAVE AND THE KIND OF PERSON SHE DESIRES TO BE – STOP MAKING EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU!

You may say, how am I making everything about me when all I’m trying to do is be there for my child? I’ll be brutally honest with you again and I’m going to ask you:

what kind of teacher are you being around your child when you’re miserable, unhappy, playing like a victim and acting a fantasy game of perfection?

What kind of teacher are you being for your child when you want to fit in the social norm for being a perfect mother when perfection is a lie?

What kind of teacher are you being for your child when you’re forcing yourself to be something you’re not just to please her and please others?

What kind of teacher are you being for your child when you’re constantly sacrificing yourself in the name of love when only conditional and manipulate love requires sacrifice?

So sweet mama, I’m here once again to remind you:

  • It’s okay to make mistakes – your mistakes will be exactly what your child needs to grow into the person she needs to be
  • Decide what kind of example you want to be for your child
  • Ask for help – that doesn’t make you less of a mother but more of a realistic and unconditionally loving mother
  • BE ….FREE! You miss your freedom, you miss doing your own thing? Then do it! Your child will be much happier when she feels how happy and excited you are to be around her.
  • Stop trying to know it all – because you won’t! Deal with it! Learn to be humble!
  • Stop trying to be perfect – because you’re not! Accept it, see the gift in it, love yourself for it! Your child is learning from you and is this the kind of pressure you want to put on her? Is this what you want to teach her? Be perfect even if you’re lying to yourself or else you’re not worthy of love? Again, learn to be humble!
  • Stop sacrificing – stop acting like a victim. This is emotional abuse! Do you think your child will be happy when you’re miserable?
  • Give yourself space! Go have fun! Learn something new! Start a new career not because this is what a modern woman does but because you want to assist in creating goodness in the world! Because it makes you happy!
  • F U C K society! Many mothers are SO miserable and unbearable to be around because they want others to see them as “GOOD SACRIFICING MOTHERS”! SOCIETY is built on illusion and competition……..on demands that only make people feel worse about themselves…..When you feel hurt when people judge you…or when mothers compete who is a better mother ….then thank them for they are showing you how much you’ve been disconnected from yourself and it’s time to come back home to WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY….it’s time to come back home to your truth and that also means – PICK the kind of people you want to be around!
  • When you see posts on social media that judge mothers or tell you how to be a good mother – simply say: I LOVE AND ACCEPT BEING ME. I’M ALREADY A PERFECT MOTHER TO MY CHILD.
  • Remember – you can never please anyone! People’s judgments are their own shadows and fears – it has nothing to do with you!
  • Thank yourself for being you! I thank you for being you! I love you for it!
  • Ask yourself: what does God (Pure Intelligence) want from me? How am I assisting in creating a more peaceful relationship with my daughter and with the world?

Your daughter already loves you. You are already everything she needs in this world. You have already been chosen by her. You already have a special bond with her. If your daughter grows to be angry with you then this is exactly what she needs so that she would learn more about herself and learn forgiveness and compassion.

She is her own person, remember that! So, please sweetheart be compassionate with yourself when you make mistakes – because you know that she will too – that’s part of life and this is the best gift you could ever give your daughter: Compassion, imperfection and self-acceptance.

Fear, comparing yourself to others, judging others and even letting other people’s judgments get to you, putting pressure on yourself and forcing yourself to be perfect will only bring pain to your relationship with yourself and with your little angel!

Let unconditional love and compassion lead the way – that’s the opposite of almost everything you learned from society!

You’ll always be loved by me! You’ll always be loved by God! You’re exactly what you need to be. Thank you for being you! I love you!

Love,

Your honest self!

15 Mistakes + Lessons From Being Married For 5 years (including a deep realization about being faithful)

October is going to be a very exciting month for us. My husband Charlie and I will be celebrating 5 years of marriage and we will also be welcoming our baby girl to this world, the most wonderful miracle we have created together.

The past 5 years of marriage have been such a blessing and a big eye and heart opening for me. I matured a lot. I changed a lot emotionally. Even though many days or sometimes a month or two would go by where things were rocky. I struggled in my relationship. I had doubts. I had anger. I had sadness and disappointment. Yet, even though I did not know it at the time, every single hardship I went through was a blessing in disguise. It was a necessary step for peeling off the layers that prevented me from building a deeper emotional intimacy with my husband.

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For so many of us, we think that our work as a couple stop when we get married. It is actually the most ridiculous fantasy we have built in our society because quiet frankly our work starts when we get married. That means – at some point in time, the mask we carried during dating will dissolve and our real fears will surface – we have no choice but to work through them if we really want to have a happy and long-lasting relationship. Marriage gets us triggered big time to face our deepest flaws and in return we trigger our partner to experience the same. We are nothing but each other’s mirror and the flaws that we see in our partner are nothing but a projection of the flaws that have been buried within us.

“We carry all the qualities in the world”: That means we carry the ugly, good and beautiful. In other words, every time I pointed the finger at my husband for something I didn’t like, if I were to be pretty honest with myself, I would realize that I have done the same thing with him or with other people. That’s why, marriage is such a holy relationship because this is the place where your wounds will surface. This is the holy place where you can (if you choose to) heal everything that aches from jealousy to anxiety, insecurity, confidence, communication and most of all truly being vulnerable and intimate with yourself first and then your partner.

Today, I’ll share with you few things I learned in the past few years from my mistakes – I hope they would open your heart and mind to start taking actions and really take marriage as something that is HOLY.

1- Never correct your partner in public: I did this so many times without any intention of harm of course. It would come out naturally over something that is silly. Even if your partner is not correct with what they’re saying, just smile and be supportive. This may sound dishonest for so many, but the most important thing for a man is for his opinion to be respected. That’s how their identity is built. Correcting them is very similar to when they criticize our feelings such as: this is not a big deal, why are you getting overly emotional about it? And, we all know – we all hate when this happens because we feel disrespected.

2- It’s better to complain than to criticize: Criticism is poison to any relationship. Who likes to be criticized? It’s unproductive, hurtful and add more unnecessary wounds. There are so many ways to feel heard: We don’t have to hurt other people in order for us to let them know that we’re hurt or sometimes we do that because we don’t know how else to express our wants. Vulnerability is key here and what I mean by that is sit with yourself, learn about how you feel first about the situation, express how you feel to yourself and then know what you want from your man.

For example: Let’s say you’re angry because your man doesn’t pick up after himself. This makes many of us so angry because really at the bottom of it, it’s not about not picking up the clothes, it’s about not being acknowledged/ heard for how we feel about the situation. Criticism/ blame sounds like this: You are so clumsy. I’m so sick of always picking up after you – why do I always have to remind you about this?

Complaint sounds more like this: Sweetheart, I feel hurt today. I know you must have forgotten to pick up after yourself but I’m really very tired and sometimes it’s very overwhelming for me to see everything that I have to do every day. Can we figure out a way to work this thing out where we’re both happy about the situation?

Bottom line: Learn to use open ended questions and discussions instead of being critical and judgmental.

3- It’s okay to argue and fight in a healthy way: Many couples avoid fighting or discussing things that hurt them because they’re afraid of ruining the relationship. The opposite is true actually. When you don’t express how you feel and what hurts you, when you suppress your thoughts and emotions then one day things will blow in your face then it may be too late to fix anything. Therefore, expressing your anger in a constructive way is very important especially if you desire to have intimate relationship with your partner.

4- Let go of being controlling – you can’t have things your way all the time: Many women want their partner to prove their love by saying yes to everything they want. Sometimes, men do what we want to get us off their back especially if we’re critical and pushy about the situation. But is this really the kind of relationship we want? So, it’s very important to listen to what your man wants as well and come up with a compromise and negotiate in your marriage. Marriage is not all about you and your feelings, men have feelings too even though they’re so much more discreet about it then we are. When you allow a safe space for them to open up to you, you’ll be surprised with how much more appreciation and love they would give you.

5- Don’t say yes when you mean no: You’re not only being dishonest and unfair to him at this point but you’re also being dishonest with yourself too. You’re not only creating future conflicts and resentment in the relationship but you’re also creating anger towards yourself and eventually you’ll see yourself as a victim instead of realizing that you’re the one who has created the situation in the first place.

6- Every time you blame, point the finger back at you: Blaming is a sign of immaturity. That doesn’t mean you let the person get away with what they have done or that doesn’t mean suppress your feelings either. But before you point the finger at your partner, check in with yourself HONESTLY and see where have you done or are doing the same thing in your life. Ask yourself: What was my role in this situation? Take responsibility for your feelings. No one can trigger a specific emotion within you unless the wound was already there and that means – it’s yours to work through.

7- Do you feel jealous, insecure or abandoned? Express what you’re feeling: Many of us feel this way in one way or another. Some suppress it, some play games and for some they come up with fights and this is what confuses men because at this point they have no idea what they did wrong. I learned to express my feelings with my husband without blame of course though sometimes I fail but I always go back and apologize because it’s so much more important to me to master my emotions than to let my partner repair the wound.

It’s okay to say: I felt jealous today or I’m not feeling safe right now in the relationship. Of course, state what’s making you insecure and again take responsibility for your feelings. If you want them to do something specific, then also ask for it as long as you’re also doing the same thing in return.

Vulnerability is so essential and powerful in a relationship – it is also part of showing the nurturing side of the feminine energy. There are times when you’re going to be sick, depressed, sad or going through some rough times. It is okay to show that side of you to your husband because as human beings we love to feel needed – it gives us a deeper sense of purpose – that’s also part of showing our true authentic self.

8- Be honest with yourself and with your partner: I’m so blessed with the relationship I have because I’m extremely honest with my husband about everything. Honest and transparent in a kind way of course but in order for me to do this, I learned to be honest and kind with myself first. How else could I be honest with him if I’m not clear about my feelings first?

I learned to question my thoughts and feelings before I judge. I try to do this as much as possible especially when I’m choosing to be a mindful person. I love the following quote by Carl Jung and I hope it inspires you to start thinking and questioning before jumping into conclusions.

“Thinking is difficult, that’s why most people judge”. – Carl Jung

9- Name calling is poison: One of my biggest lessons this year is to know the difference between saying: You’re mean vs you’re being mean. When we directly name call our partner (or anyone else) we’re basically not only criticizing them but we’re also telling them that they are “that thing” we are calling them. When it is often very far from reality. For example: I can be a bitchy person in a specific situation but that doesn’t mean I’m bitchy 100% of the time. This kind of judgment is very harmful, hurtful, disrespectful and simply not true because they’re probably not mean 100% of the time then why turn them into something they’re not?

10- Give compliments, say thank you and say I’m sorry OFTEN: We forget to say thank you and “I appreciate you or appreciate this or that” when we’re in a relationship for a long time. This is just a sign of how we take our blessings for granted and that also includes taking ourselves for granted as well. What would we lose if we say thank you every time our partners did something small including picking up their dish? It just simply shows what kind of person we’re being and that always feels nice.

Many also have hard time saying “I’m sorry” when they do something wrong (including with their kids) because it’s so much more important to be right then to choose kindness and peace – this comes from a place of fear of being weak when the opposite is quiet true. At some point, you must decide what you want in your relationship: What is more important for you? Being in control or being intimate and at peace with your partner?

11- Listen to him without trying to fix his problem and listen more even if it doesn’t interest you: This is a hard one especially when men start discussing things that we don’t understand. For example: my husband talks sometimes about security and techy stuff that I have no idea what they mean. I used to roll my eyes before when he initiated the conversation but then I realized how harmful it was to do this. It didn’t only shut him down around me, but it also made us distant. I learned to be curious about what he’s saying by giving him a safe space to speak. This I continue to learn and will always be work in progress but at least he opens up to me way more than he ever did before and therefore it made us so much closer.

12- Redefine faithfulness: That was a huge one for me this year. It came about when I threw a jealousy tantrum during my pregnancy when my husband was being nice to a cashier attendant. I was feeling so insecure about my body that day and honestly sometimes I would look at a skinny woman and envy her for what she had. It took me a while to embrace my new body and love the way I looked. This affected my relationship with my husband – although I handled the situation quiet maturely by saying to him literarily: I didn’t feel good when you were being extra nice with the cashier. I felt disrespected and hurt. I know you don’t mean to hurt me but I felt hurt.

This situation made me really think hard about how I define the word faithful. When I questioned if my husband was being faithful by flirting or being nice to this woman, my answer was YES. Questioning my thought about this situation led me to the following reminders/discoveries:

1- If he wasn’t faithful, then he would do it behind my back – he was being transparent and being his kind self in front of me. There was nothing to hide and it was beautiful. The insecurity I felt had nothing to do with him but more to do with how much I was rejecting myself at the time (again taking responsibility for your feelings is key to a happy relationship – when we feel rejected and insecure about how we look, that’s because we’re only projecting our own opinion about ourselves on others).

2- He is always always there for me emotionally and when I need him. What else do I want?

3- He is very faithful to his job, boss and his career even when he hated what he did at times. He works with integrity – then how could I doubt someone like him?

4- I’m very outspoken when I find a man attractive, then why shouldn’t he be? I had to decide again what kind of relationship I want.

5- Many women fear their partner cheating on them – however it’s fascinating to me to see how many women actually cheat on their significant others yet they pretend that they did nothing wrong as if they are entitled to hurt others but it’s okay for others to do the same to them. So, If I thought that my husband was unfaithful by being nice to this woman then quiet honestly, I have been unfaithful to him as well because I’m kind to people and to other men as well. I realized that I was unfair and had no logic in my thinking at all and I’m only creating my own hell.

6- I remembered his morals and values and when I did – I also realized that he was never unfaithful to his xgfs before even though some were really not nice to him – that reminded me again what kind of person he is.

7- I know how much he loves me – he shows it to me, says it to me and act on it too (but I forget this sometimes).

Just by questioning my feelings and being honest and redefining being faithful changed my relationship with him tremendously. I know better when a burst of insecurity shows up again. It’s my stuff – it has nothing to do with him.

13- Men have feelings too: Dr Pat allen says: “If you want to have a good relationship – respect your man’s thoughts and cherish your wife’s feelings”. While this is SO SO accurate – men have feelings too. When you create a safe space for them to speak without trying to control them, without trying to change them or fix them then what will unfold will be so sacred and beautiful – it will only bring you so much closer together and most of the time they express their feelings through their thoughts as well so keep your mind, ears and heart open.

14- Invest in your relationship: it simply means do what he loves sometimes and he’ll do what you love at times too and DO what you both love or have in common as well. It doesn’t always have to be the movie that you want or the kind of restaurant that you like. Ask him for what he wants or feels like doing sometimes. For example: watch the show that he loves even though you can’t stand it. The more you invest in him, the more your’ll be committed to the relationship.

15- Finally whatever outcome you’re getting in your relationship is a reflection of your thoughts, your wounds and what kind of person you’re choosing to be: If there’s something you want, ask for it. If there’s something you don’t like then take responsibility for it instead of dumping all your baggage on your partner. Waiting for him to change is a waste of time and unfair as well. Changing your thoughts about the situation, working through your own negative feelings and creating a safe space for both of you to express your thoughts and feelings will give you the peaceful and loving relationship that you want.

It takes so much courage to take responsibility of our own feelings – but I promise you – it’s all a decision. Once you choose peace over war – you’ll know that it’s so much easier to be responsible than to wait for others to change or to give you what you want.

 

When you’re afraid of dying or losing someone in your life + why it’s important to practice death

Yesterday my family and I got the news that one of my greatest uncles passed away. He was 81 years old, a beautiful hardworking successful man who was the foundation of the entire Sammour family. We were (and still) deeply saddened by his death and I felt so grateful that I got to see him on Christmas when I was visiting my family for the last time.

My uncle’s passing brought up really good points for me to reflect on:

  • I realized how sheltered the American society is from death whereas my family who resides in Lebanon, are very exposed to death. For example last week, my brother lost one of his closest friends at the age of 43 and this week he lost an uncle. My family attend funerals sometimes once a month but they also attend weddings often. Yet, they all seem very accepting of death even though they are grieving – it is part of their every day life since almost everyone knows everyone else in Lebanon and they are all there for each other for better or for worse which is something that I find heavily lacking in the States: We are a very individualized society that is focused on career first, social life/community second where as it is the opposite in most foreign countries.
  • We live in a society that rejects death. We are even afraid of bringing it up, of discussing it, of reflecting on it, and truly embracing it as part of life.

It’s true – death is scary because we don’t remember how it is like to be dead. If you believe in past life, then you probably know that you’re an expert at dying and being dead since you and I have done it million of times. But still this doesn’t make it easier because we don’t remember dying and being dead. It is very scary and as a society we are trained to burry the fear and numb it with food, shopping, weed, xanax, SSRI and so on. Why go through the pain when we can distract ourselves from experiencing it?

However, we also forget that there is a big difference between pain and sadness:

Sadness is so soft and breaks your heart open to more love and compassion. It shows you how much you loved that person. It is a pure expression of love in my opinion.

Pain is very sharp. It gets you stuck in a victimhood mentality. It feels as if we are out of control and the whole world wants to hurt us or against us. It gets us to think: why me? Why did you abandon me? Why is God doing this to me?

Pain occurs when we don’t accept “what is” such as “death”. Therefore, death becomes extremely painful for our society. We’d rather live in denial then acceptance of death. We’d rather distract ourselves then experience the loss and the emotions that flood when we lose a loved one because we are more trained in building a successful business and having a great education than being trained in dealing, understand and embracing our feelings (in other words feelings are a sign of weakness when the opposite is totally true).

I mentioned in few articles before that I began experiencing fear of loss ever since I reached 30 (I’m almost 34 now). There is no day that goes by that I don’t think about death. I think about myself dying and about my loved ones dying too. It started off as being too painful to experience and now it is becoming a very sad experience but the pain moved away.

For some people this is a very negative view about life – but for me it has taught me so much about embracing life because how else could I experience life fully if I don’t embrace death fully?

It is our thoughts about death that make things painful and not death itself. It is our perception about ourselves without the people we love that is so painful. It is not allowing ourselves to feel what we feel in terms of sadness and grief that get us stuck in pain. We are so terrified of feeling sadness that we block ourselves completely from feeling anything and we live in denial that ONE day we are going to die, ONE day…someone we love is going to die and we are going to go through this whether we like it or not.

Yet, practicing death on regular basis and facing the feelings of loss have changed my life tremendously. I am not an expert at embracing death yet – it is still something I fear and I wish sometimes that things never change but I also know that God is the energy of Life and Life is changing in every second so for me to live life fully, I must allow change to happen. Sometimes I forget that when I’m afraid of losing someone, but I always go back to remembering the truth.

“Everything is changeable, everything appears and disappears; there is no blissful peace until one passes beyond the agony of life and death.” – Buddha

Rejecting the notion of death, denying it or avoiding it keep us so small in life and most of all keep us from getting to know who we really are and expressing our purpose. For me, practicing death and realizing that I’m mortal on regular basis changed my life in the following way:

  • I began questioning whether or not I like the person I am and what kind of person do I want to be in this life?
  • I cleared my conscious – I asked forgiveness from people I have hurt
  • I became way more honest with myself about the reality of things – instead of masking my fear or denying it – I now face it (especially when I’m conscious of it)
  • I built a better relationship with my husband and continue to do so
  • I began facing my fear of abandonment in a much mature and logical way (instead of letting it take over my relationships – I began taking over it)
  • I am much more emotionally intimate with my family – I open up so easily compared to before even if it was uncomfortable
  • I learned emotional self-reliance especially after my Ayahuasca experience. I know that this journey is for me – my experience of being born in life was my own, my experience of dying is my own and same for living. No one can see life through my consciousness (awareness) – no one will see death through my eyes when I’m dying or after my death. So, if this experience is for us alone to experience, then why not start relying on yourself?
  • I became so much more compassionate especially with people who are experiencing hurt, loss and negative feelings.
  • I’m much less judgmental and began to question ALL my thoughts SERIOUSLY
  • I don’t let myself get away with my mistakes – I say: I’m sorry way more often than before and most importantly I correct my mistakes – it’s easier to take responsability for myself than to prove to the other person who is right or wrong
  • I’m a little bit less attached to my body and I have a deep awareness that I’m not my body either. Sometimes this freak me out but it’s also pretty cool at least it is for me because it gets me to investigate my spiritual being more
  • On the other hand, I also respect my body more and how I treat myself because I know I need this body to do what I came here to do
  • I also choose carefully who I want to have around me – I’m much better at saying NO and setting boundaries
  • I’m much more present in my every day life and I’m more intentional as well
  • It’s so important for me to feel at peace with myself than to be right or better
  • I’m a better listener because I am curious about people’s experiences – maybe I could learn something from it?
  • I became so much kinder – I make sure to do act of kindness on regular basis (I volunteer twice a month and do things for people around me and even strangers that I was too busy to do before because I was focused on success)
  • I began questioning and SERIOUSLY investigating: who am I? Who am I without my body? Who am I without the people around me? Who am I without my religion and spirituality?
  • This led me to investigate even deeper: What do I believe about Life? Death? God? – This will be my on going journey
  • I began investigating life after death way more – it helps me face my fear of death since I’m exposing myself more to it – I study it more, read more about it and reflect on it especially that I’m carrying a beautiful baby girl, I always tell myself – when I die, I’ll go to where my baby came from so therefore I’m a little less afraid of it.
  • I play with the idea that maybe sleeping is very similar to death – therefore I practice death every time I go to sleep

All of the above points are and will always be in progress. This is a journey and there’s no one day fix to anything. Life is like the ocean with strong waves, calm waves and stillness at the bottom. I’m not telling you this to brag about myself – I still have SO much work to do and again it is a process. I’m sharing this with you hoping that maybe this will help you start seeing the possibility of what could come from the feeling of loss – what could come from death itself.

“Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him.” – Thessalonians 4:13-14

I invite you to start talking about death often. I invite you to investigate death. I invite you to welcome the feeling of loss often. To look at yourself in the mirror and say: One day, I’ll die – this body will be gone (this body will be gone but your consciousness is eternal). I invite you to realize and remember that people around you, your pets and everything that surround you will be gone one day whether you go first or they go first. Yes, it is extremely sad to experience this and feel it so let yourself feel it and the more you do the more you’ll come to terms with it. Even visualize your own death and the death of others. When you begin to accept this part of life, you will learn to enjoy life fully. You’ll begin to make different decisions and choose your words and actions carefully. You’ll stop taking life for granted a bit less because we all know that we all take LIFE for granted and by taking LIFE for granted we take GOD for granted as well.

In memory of my uncle and everyone who passed,

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