For so long, I was afraid of being hurt and rejected. I did everything possible to polish myself so that others would love me, so that I would fit in. I was terrified of loneliness. I was terrified of rejection. I didn’t know what else to do besides pleasing others yet deep inside, my heart was screaming.
I wanted to speak my mind at all times but I felt that life would turn against me if I were vulnerable. I didn’t trust life. I thought it was my enemy. I had many negative experiences in my life so how could I know that I won’t be hurt again? My fear led me to see life through the eyes of a victim. It was easier to stay silent than to see life through the power I had within me.
I felt powerless when I went through a challenge and I accepted the emotions of loneliness and hopelessness I felt at the time. I was also okay with people stepping on me because I thought I should sacrifice myself to make other people happy. I did not want to end up alone after all.
It was easier to ignore the gifts that God gave me. I was scared to see the goodness in every negative experience I had. I saw the world and identified myself through the eyes of others instead of identifying who I am through my own eyes and the eyes of God. I thought that was normal, that’s what everyone else did.
This behavior led me to reject myself and to remain in a lonely place. Until one day, I realized that everything happened FOR me and not TO me. I was tired of hurting myself which led me to take one of the biggest decisions in my life:
I’ll abandon self-pity instead of abandoning myself. I’ll mind my own business instead of wanting others to be in a certain way. I’ll be proud of who I am and stand up for myself, for my heart and for my truth – ALWAYS.
If you feel you’re going through the self-pity funk, then I want to tell you that you have control over 90% of what goes on in your life. You attract what you get. If things keeping happening to you, then ask yourself what lesson am I supposed to learn from this? I also believe that you have control over your reaction towards the 10% of the circumstances that are outside of your control.
Here’s how to snap out of this funk:
1- How do you wish things to be different?
2- What’s missing from your life?
3- What’s already happening in your life?
4- How can you embrace what’s already happening, instead of wishing for things to be different?
5- Are you minding your own business?
Byron Katie said in her book “Loving what is”: “I can find only three kinds of business in the universe: mine, yours, and God’s.”
We all have a tendency to blame everything on others or even on GOD. So, when we say: You should do this to make me feel appreciated or My father should understand me or my boss is a jerk, he insults me every time I do a mistake or I want my husband to show me love in the way I want it or Why did God do this to me? This attitude will cause more stress, separation, arrogance, anxiety and loneliness because we’re involved in other people’s businesses instead of focusing on what’s under our control.
6- What are you grateful for? Gratefulness is the opposite of self-pity. List at least 50 things.
7- What are the attributes that make you a rich person? How can you gain them? Your list could be something like this: stand up for myself, trust my judgment, trust my decisions, have faith in myself, allow myself to shine, speak my mind etc.
8- How can you stand up for yourself? Using the list above, identify which attribute triggered the lack you’re currently experiencing. (If you’re struggling with a person and you’re afraid of his or her reaction then take some time to calm yourself and then have a heart to heart conversation with them).
9- What else can you do to snap out of the self-pity addiction? Make a decision that you won’t tolerate this victim mentality anymore and take immediate action on it. For example, wear a wristband and snap it every time you catch yourself thinking poorly about yourself and replace the should(s) and the negative thoughts with positive ones.
10- How can you flush out these negative emotions? You could use yoga, meditation, jogging, dancing etc.
Everything starts with a decision so I want to invite you to decide NOW what kind of life you want to lead. Do you want to be a victim or a creator?
You don’t need to fit in to feel that you belong to a certain group or community. You’re a shining star no matter what anyone else says or thinks of you and stars don’t need to fit in, they share who they are with the world.
What about you? Do you feel like a victim sometimes? What do you do about it?