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My New Book: Life Without Approval

My Journey From Worrying What Others Think to Embracing My Own Voice In Society, Love and Work

UPCOMING LIVE WORKSHOPS AND SPEAKING ENGAGEMENTS

One Day Healing Retreat with Tibetan Monk Dhargya and Cynthia Belmer

Date: March 19th 2016

Time: 11:00 am - 7:00 pm

Location: Alpharetta, GA

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LIFE BEYOND FEARS RETREAT

a Weekend of Self-love and Healing with Cynthia Belmer in Costa Rica

Date: June 3-5 2016

Location: Unbound Center, San Jose la Montaña, Heredia, Costa Rica

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LIFE & LOVE ADVICE

When your life purpose is confusing + you don’t know what makes you happy

At some point in our life, especially when we hit our late 20s or mid thirties, we begin to question what life is all about. What am I here for? What’s the point of it all? Who am I?

These questions show up when we’re usually struggling with our jobs, with our relationships or we’re going through depression, anxiety, loss whether it was the loss of a loved one, loss of a job, pet, friend ect..

When I talk about life purpose with clients or sometimes people who are close to me, I notice the same idea showing up over and over again. They often associate life purpose with figuring out what their career should be about. I was one of those people as well until I was not anymore.

My experience and especially my 6 months of depression taught me that it’s extremely dangerous to link my identity (who am I?) and/or my life purpose with my career for one simple reason: What would happen if I lose this job? Would I lose myself with it? Who would I be without it? What would happen to my life purpose then?

For example: let’s say that you feel the deep urge to fight for your country during the war and you deeply believe that this is your life purpose. You join the army and go fight that war. Then what? What happens when the war is over? Is your life purpose over as well?

Here’s what I believe: What we do is an expression of how we perceive ourselves and life. For example: I help people ease their suffering and wake up to their beautiful self – but my life purpose is not attached to that and this is only one aspect of how I’m expressing myself.

Helping people is something I enjoy because it helps us in our human evolution and it brings peace to people’s life. I can also only do this when I too do my inner work and therefore this pushes me to learn from other people about myself and to share what I have learned with others. It makes people I encounter my teachers and my students (that’s applied for all of us).

The effect of my inner work has also an effect on my work with people and my work with people has an effect on people around them. It’s all a ripple effect.

BUT and that’s a big BUT I can only help people from my heart when I’m doing it with love and I can only do it with love when I’m being love and I can only be love when I’m happy with myself.

It’s logic. There’s no need for any spiritual or philosophical or psychological answer here.

Some people’s goal is to get rich, to have their own startup, to be famous…but the question is why is it that they desire to achieve all of this? It is simply because they want to be happy.

So they work so hard to achieve their goals hoping that their achievements will give them happiness yet when they do reach them, they realize that something is still missing in their life.

Why?

Because they can never run away from themselves – what was causing them suffering and unhappiness in the first place is still there until it is not anymore (read about my experience in my book “Life Without Approval”).

So, what does this tell us about life purpose?

For me, it is very simple. I believe that life purpose is a goal and that goal is for us to make ourselves happy and we can only make ourselves happy by working through all the kinks that block that happiness.

In other words, our goal is to purify ourselves from all the negative thoughts, beliefs and patterns that are blocking our happiness in THIS moment. Otherwise, you or I will be chasing our tails for the rest of our lives and something will always be missing.

In Buddhism, they talk about how It is in our human nature to desire to be happy and eliminate suffering. Look at all the actions you take during the day:

You eat because you’re hungry (suffering), you go to work because you want to make a living (you want money so that you can survive….you don’t want to die), you find a relationship because you’re a social animal (you don’t want to be alone, being alone leads to death), you go to the bathroom because if you don’t…you know what happens then and so on.

The problem is on a subconscious level, many individuals believe that they don’t deserve to be happy and that brings them to sabotage themselves in every area of life. Some are even afraid of being happy because they’re not used it – it’s a foreign language to them.

The dangerous thing about this is that it doesn’t only affect our life; it affects the lives of everyone around us. Let me tell you why:

Let’s say you live in a very small village and you believe that you don’t deserve to be happy so what you’re experiencing emotionally could be feeling miserable, resentful, angry, sad, depressed and so on. Then what happens when you’re experiencing these emotions?

Your actions are going to reflect this belief.

Then what happens to people around you when they see your actions and hear your words?

They’re going to be upset by your behavior and they will experience negativity as well.

Then what?

They too….will reflect that in their actions towards people that surround them (unless they’re very conscious).

The ripple effect continues until the entire village becomes so miserable…and what does that lead to? They will all start fighting with one another and that leads to death. Isn’t this what’s happening in the world now?

That’s how powerful your state of being and your decision about deserving to be happy is. That’s why suffering happens in their world. What happened recently in Orlando is an effect of one guy’s deep pain of not embracing his sexuality this led him to kill innocent people and now the entire country is angry about this.

Can you see why it is so important to embrace yourself (negative and positive) and to make your life purpose about finding your own happiness?

But you can only find your own happiness by making peace with yourself. Your new job won’t give you happiness – finding the right partner or a new one won’t give you that happiness….it may temporarily but the feeling of something is missing will come back again and you’ll have to deal with this sooner or later.

But….you may say: if my life purpose is to be happy then what do I do when I don’t even know what makes me happy?

1. Happiness is a state of mind. In other words – it is a decision:

  • Answer the question of: Who am I (WITHOUT your job being involved in the picture). For me the answer is: I have infinite intelligence within me and I’m part of the bigger infinite intelligence. Otherwise everything every religion has talked about (God is the Alpha and Omega – He/She is everywhere and in everything does not make sense). This puts a big responsibility on me as well.
  • Decide that you deserve to be happy.
  • Begin to work through the kinks (your perception about yourself).

2. AGAIN – Decide that it’s worth it to see yourself in a whole new perspective. What’s blocking your happiness is your perception about yourself.

What are you believing about yourself that is blocking the flow of happiness to come to you?

Look at that belief – question it! Meditate on it! Feel how painful it is. Then instead of saying: I should not be this or be that or do this or do that – embrace yourself just as you are and say it’s okay for me to feel this – it is showing up for a reason and that is because that part of me needs to be seen.

When you begin to look at the parts of you that need to be seen with love, they will disappear. When you try to beat the part of you that is struggling then you’ll struggle so much more and this is where all our kinks are.

3. DECIDE to act like happy people do. Have fun. Enjoy life. Find humor in yourself…. in life. Be silly! Enjoy THIS MOMENT. Stop for a second and observe everything around you as if you may die in the next moment. Take a deep breath and really pay attention.

4. Put your life in perspective. Do you have EVERYTHING you need now? Then everything else is not as important as you think it is.

5. Is your situation the worst possible situation in the whole world? Could it be that someone else is going through much deeper pain? Be grateful for the pain and the joy because we all know that we live in a world of relativity – in other words: How would I know that I’m brunette if blond people did not exist? Pain is necessary – it has a message for us.

6. Accept your present. Embrace the job that you hate. Find beautiful things about your relationship. It is impossible for everything to be ALL negative. If you can’t find peace in the present even when you’re experiencing pain then how do you know that you will experience peace in the future when the future is completely unknown?

7. Lawfully embrace yourself, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until the day you die. Otherwise, how could you be and do THAT with your partner and with people around you when you can’t even be that towards yourself? How could your partner get to know you if you don’t even know yourself?

8. Understand that your own happiness is NOT about you. Your life purpose IS NOT about you anymore. It is about THE HUMAN RACE. We are all interdependent on one another. Refer to the village example above. That’s why your state of mind has a ripple effect on the world in a much larger scale then you can ever imagine. That’s why you can’t save the world – the only thing that you can do is save yourself by finding your own peace.

9. What if you die tomorrow? Would you be satisfied with yourself? Would you change anything about your life? We take life for granted. When we take life for granted, we take GOD for granted. There’s no difference between LIFE AND GOD.

We think that nothing will ever change when EVERYTHING is changing in every moment otherwise – there would be no life…there would be only death. So, get your forgiveness to self and others going – live each day as if it’s your last. Make sure that you don’t close your eyes without making peace with that day otherwise what happened that day will haunt you in the next.

10. Find a mentor, coach, therapist, spiritual group, someone who mastered what you desire to be, something or someone that will help you in your journey. Many people feel ashamed of getting help. Many people resist getting help because they’re so comfortable with their own pain…because if they do then they’re admitting that something is wrong….and sometimes it’s too painful to see our shadow…..so…they’d rather complain about their partner, complain about how bad life is…..complain about their job over and over again instead of taking action to make CHANGES in themselves.

Some people rely on faith alone hoping or things to be different in their lives…however faith alone is not enough. Nothing is going to change around us if our perception about ourselves and the situation doesn’t change and especially if we don’t take action to purify ourselves and make some changes in our behavior.

11. Finally this whole journey is a process. Jesus had his own struggle with grief, sadness, disappointment towards society and he worked through it throughout his life and not in ONE DAY. Buddha talked about his own suffering and worked through it all his life as well.

Every single spiritual master works through his/her own kinks throughout their lives. Enlightenment happens for hours, days, moments or months and then the reality of being human hits again. We will know better than before but we will always have things to work through.

So, instead of finding kinks in other people and trying to fix them or change them – turn your focus towards yourself because this is the only thing that you’ll ever be able to change and it’s not an easy job.

So, be gentle with yourself. Take it easy. Stop the harshness and the I should not feel this or I should not do that. Everything in your life led you to this point and time. When you begin the process or the decision of finding your own inner peace, everything will become so much more joyful. People will want to be around you more, your career will fall into place and the same for everything else in your life.

I’m here for you – always! send me your questions or comments! <3

 

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