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Are you someone who is extremely ambitious and confident yet always faces challenges to stay in a long-term relationship?

I’ve been conducting a study on successful men and why they stay or leave a relationship. Today, I’m going to share with you the top 3 reasons (besides cheating) why men choose to walk away from the relationship they had with an ambitious partner.

Reason #1: Ambitious women talking repetitively about their success. Even though the male partner truly appreciates and honors the achievements of their partner, he gets really annoyed if she’s constantly bragging about her success and talking about it as if she’s the main contributor to the relationship.

This causes him to feel inadequate or “LESS THAN” her. One guy even said that it doesn’t matter if his partner makes 200k more than him. What matters is that she doesn’t have an attitude about it and that she validates his contribution to the relationship.

Tip#1: Get to know yourself really well and understand what do you really need in a relationship. At the same time, get to know your date or your future partner really well. What makes him feel good about himself? What makes him feel appreciated and valued? You can still talk about your success but appreciation is the most attractive gift you can ever give to yourself and your future partner.

Reason #2: Lack of trust and judgment in the relationship. This leads women to ask for proofs, to question their partner’s choices and to seek constant validation that their partner won’t cheat on them especially when they’re busy. Men have low tolerance for fights and arguments. If they find that the pain of staying is more than the pain of leaving, then this makes it easier for them to walk away.

Tip #2: it’s hard to trust after being disappointed and hurt so many times. Yet, we always have to give trust a try otherwise we’re going to make ourselves and those around us crazy. Instead of showing lack of trust to your partner or to anyone, talk to them about how you’re feeling and about what’s scaring you.

This will open up the space for both of you to feel more comfortable in your own skin and in your communication with each other. In fact, this will give the opportunity to meet you where you are and even talk to you about his deepest fears.

Reason#3: Criticism and disrespect. Driven men are as ambitious as you and they hate being told what to do. In fact, they call it being told what to do “mothering”. No man (even if he was not driven) likes to me mothered and criticized. This dynamic triggers them to feel a deep fears such as fear of not being good enough for you, they are less than you and they feel unaccepted. This leads them to walk away and find someone who appreciates and love them for who they are.

Tip #3: Disrespect and criticism are the results of anger, disappointment and hurt. This is a great opportunity for you to identify what’s triggering these emotions even if you may say.. well, do I really have to deal with this? I’m fine… I’m moving on.

It’s important for everyone to understand what makes them “THEM”. The truth is, even if you hate those feelings, they are really not that bad when you become familiar with them. Painful and positive feelings both exist to deliver a message that needs our attention. You’re strong, ambitious and courageous… turn your confidence towards understanding your emotions and once you do… write down what you need and want in a relationship.

Have you ever been with someone who’s less successful than you? What challenges did you face? And what in your opinion keeps men in a long-term relationship with someone who’s more ambitious and successful than them?

Share your story in the comments section below.

You’ve been with your partner for quite some time yet the result of the relationship were disappointing and hurtful. No matter how much you direct your focus towards your career, finding new hobbies and making everyone around you think that you’ve moved on….deep down you’re still struggling with forgetting what he had said and how this mess happened.

I understand what you’re feeling because I’ve been there before. Ambitious women like us want to feel the best at everything and witnessing a relationship fail is not easy. We don’t like the feelings of anger, failure, loneliness and disappointment that come with it.

What did I do wrong? How did I let this happen? How did I let myself get here?…These are questions women like us ask and that’s completely normal. These questions are valid yet they are keeping you stuck because there are so many emotions bottled up within you.

One of the things I did when I got broken up with is shift my focus from what have I done wrong or why did he leave to what is it that I can do for myself right now?

The moment you start focusing on loving yourself, answers will flood in naturally. You’ll be able to see things in a different perspective and with a clearer judgment. Below is a big exercise that’s going to help you dig deep and shift your focus immediately. Take some time to work on this and let me know the results you experienced after doing it.   WomanDancingByTheOceanInARedDress-850x400

Here’s how to feel FREAKIN’ amazing about who you are:

  1. What do you love about yourself? Start small. Write one thing you love about yourself every single day for the next 60 days.
  2. Ask people around you to tell you 3 things they love about you. (I love this exercise)
  3. Write a letter to yourself. Write it as if you’re a loving mother who’s writing a love letter to her child. Read this letter one year from the date you write it.
  4. What have you done right in your past relationship?
  5. What is the story you’re telling yourself about what you deserve? Re-write this story and state the actual truth. Remember that 99% of our negative stories are complete BS. It’s just pure fear talking.
  6. Start saying NO to things you don’t want. People will be upset, true but they will also respect you for standing up for yourself.
  7. Eliminate critical friends/ people from your life. Start surrounding yourself with people who are worthy of you.
  8. Dance every single day for 3 minutes, have fun and get creative. Celebrate who you are!
  9. Keep focusing on the good. The more you focus on it, the more you get it. This is not about being positive, this is about seeing the miracles in your life.
  10. Seeking help is not a weakness, it’s growth. See a coach, therapist or a support group.

I hope this helps! If you have any questions, please leave a comment or email me at cynthia@cynthiabelmer.com.

Today, I’m going to talk about how you can easily turn around any problem you have by using 4 simple questions. My goal is by the end of this post, you’ll realize how important and efficient it is to work with reality instead of fighting it.

If you’ve been following me for a while, you’ve probably me heard me mention Byron Katie, the author of “Loving what is: The Four Questions That Can Change Your Life”. I’m a very picky person when it comes to self-growth books, so the reason why I’d love to share this one with you is because it has changed my life and very few books have given me the results I’ve received from this one.

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Little history: I got introduced to Byron Katie’s work through my mentor and coach Tanya Thomas. I was very stuck at the time even though I was doing my mental health rituals such as Coaching, Meditation, Yoga and so on. I had unrealistic expectations about the external world which often got me the result I was avoiding until I learned this amazing concept by Byron Katie:

“There are 3 businesses in the world: Mine, Yours and God’s – Whose business are you in?“.

These words hit home for me. I knew exactly in that moment that by focusing on getting what I was from the outside is like stepping out of my body and living somebody else’s life.

Think about this for a second, have you ever said:

  1. Mom/ dad/ parents should be more supportive of me. They should accept me and understand me. That’s their job!
  2. My bf/partner should show more love and give me his attention. He should make me feel important to him.
  3. My xbf shouldn’t have ignored me and abandoned me in such manner. He broke my heart and I deserve a closure.
  4. My partner should appreciate my efforts.
  5. Why did God do this to me?

These are questions we all ask in one way or another. Maybe it’s during tough time that we fall into this trap or maybe it’s part of our nature. We see our worth through the external world instead of seeing it from our own eyes. So, based on Byron Katie’s quote, every time we “BELIEVE” something or someone “SHOULD” be different we’re leaving our own business and getting into other people’s or God’s business. We’re also debating with reality and this what causes us to suffer.

“It’s not your job to like me – it’s mine”  Byron Katie

What’s underneath all these shoulds and questions are limiting beliefs that create fears and anxiety within us. They cause us to clash with reality, what is in THE NOW. They get us stuck in a cycle of self-loathing, anger, resentment, disappointment, hatred, envy ect….. they bring us to compare ourselves to others and trigger our deepest fears such as we’re not good enough, we’re not loved, we’re not wanted, we’ll always be alone.

The Basics of the Work:

The work is based on 4 questions to get liberated from a painful thought/belief/story. Instead of pushing so hard to let go of it, doing “The Work” will let the thought let go of us and that’s by using these revolutionary questions:

  •  Is it true? 
  •  Can you absolutely know that it’s true? (what’s the evidence that it’s true?)
  •  How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought? 
  •  Who would you be without the thought?

Byron Katie often adds questions that compliments the 4 questions above. See example below.

Let’s take this statement as an example:

  1. My xbf shouldn’t have ignored me and abandoned me in such manner. He broke my heart and I deserve a closure.
  •  Is it true? Often times the answer to this one is yes. If it’s no then you can skip to the third question.

Yes it is true. I loved him so much. I put him before me. He knew that. I deserve to be treated better, he owes it to me.

  •  Can you absolutely know for sure that “he owes it to you”?

No. Nothing is sure.

  •  How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought? 

I get really angry and resentful. I even think about calling him and texting him. I feel stuck because I believe he took something away from me, something that belonged to me which is my pride and my heart.

  • Can you find a stress-free reason to keep this thought?

No. It’s very stressful to obsess about this.

  •  Who would you be without the thought?

I would be someone who is at peace with her actions and with her past. I’d be respectful to my xbf and I would simply move on and be with someone who deserves my love.

  • Turn around your original thought
  1. My xbf should have ignored me and abandoned me in such manner. He didn’t break my heart and I don’t deserve a closure.
  2. I shouldn’t have ignored me and abandoned me in such manner. I broke my heart and I deserve my own closure.
  3. I must give myself attention and stay with myself. I must love myself and give myself what I need.

Here’s a video of Byron Katie in action

Further Thoughts:

I want to highly encourage you to take all the time you need to write down all the stories and painful thoughts you have. I spent one whole month working on this book. I read the examples she has given but I worked on so many painful thoughts I had in every area of my life. The results were OUTSTANDING and everyone around me noticed a difference in me. I was so much more calmer and more peaceful with who I am – I learned to stay in my own business and I use this as a daily reminder for myself and I’d love this for you too.

The time you spend on this book and any self-growth program is NOT a wasted time and you’re not missing out on the world for taking few minutes to love and invest in yourself.

Ask yourself: Would you rather stay stuck in your negative stories and attract the same result for the rest of your life or would you rather spend few minutes or hours to invest in yourself so that you can create the happy life you want?

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